Top Marriage Advice for Newlyweds (and Everyone Else) About Men and Women

Truth #3: We have different core needs—which means different things will say “I care”

These raw nerves have a flip side. Just as they can be “hit” and cause pain, they also present an opportunity to make your spouse feel very loved.

Think about something you personally are insecure about. Think about how you would feel if your spouse in some way sent this message: “This thing you’re so insecure about? You don’t have to be. You’re amazing.” There would be a very deep emotional impact, right? You would feel cared for.

As you can imagine, this is our chance to try to build our spouse up in a really powerful way. (Editorial note: this applies to the vast majority of marriages, but not all. Where there is abuse, a spouse could “try” forever and make no headway: they should focus on getting help, instead.)

Thus, because men tend to subconsciously wonder, “Does she think I am any good at what I do?” it is life-giving to him when his wife says simple things like “I’m so proud of you for working so hard for that bonus” and “thank you for helping the kids with their homework.”

And because women tend to subconsciously wonder “Does he really love me?” it is life-giving for her to feel pursued, through simple efforts like when her husband puts his arm around her when they are out at dinner with friends, or texts her during the day to say, “I love you so much. I was just thinking about you.”

We may rightly point out that women need to hear words of appreciation like “thank you,” too! And that men need to hear “I love you.” Absolutely! But what we’ve found is that the impact just isn’t comparable. It often feels really nice . . . where the words and actions that speak to the deep places of the heart feel life-giving. Like water to a thirsty soul.

So let’s be willing to see and respond to the thirsty soul of our spouse. Let’s learn a few things. Let’s lean in and care for them in the way they most need. And then let’s see what happens next. Because hopefully, the results we see will be the best possible incentive to continue—and be encouraged for a lifetime.

Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn are best-selling authors who speak at dozens of Date Nights and Marriage Events each year, conveying lots of practical encouragement with lots of laughs. Email [email protected] to explore what they might bring to your event. They live in Atlanta with their two young adult children. Sign up for Shaunti’s weekly blog (with new research and practical tips) at Shaunti.com.