Why Does My Wife Expect Me to Read Her Mind?

Truth #1: She has a vulnerability inside that you may not be aware of

This may surprise you, but your wife or girlfriend almost certainly doesn’t “expect” you to actually read her mind. However, she probably does expect you to notice when something is wrong and press into it. And on a day-to-day basis, she probably does expect that you will pay enough attention to her to find out what she’s thinking, what matters to her, what is going on in her heart. So before we go any further, we need to explain why that is.

One of the biggest surprises for many men when they read our book For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women is that even the most confident and competent woman—that amazing woman you’re dating or married to—has a subconscious question about whether she is loved and loveable. Under the surface, she’s asking things like: “Does he really care enough about me to want to know me?” “Am I worth being noticed and known?” “Does he still love me?”

It might sound funny to you because you adore your wife. But if she’s like 82% of women, those questions are very likely the hidden cry of her heart.

While you were dating, you may not have overtly realized it, but you were probably doing everything you could to answer those questions well every day. You were trying to make her feel special, known and loved. You called her and asked how her day went. You listened when she got emotional about the baby in the NICU ward that her team couldn’t save. You noticed when she seemed a bit quiet after you arrived late for dinner, and pressed in to ask, “What’s wrong?” All those things say “You are special. You are known. You are loved.”

But if you are goal-oriented, after the wedding you may have thought, Ok, deal done! and stopped sending that “you are known” message every day. Instead of noticing something and pressing in to figure it out, you may have begun to mentally shrug and think to yourself, I don’t know what is going on, but I guess she’ll tell me if it’s something I need to know. In the meantime, I’m sure I can pull something from the freezer for dinner . . .

In other words, without ever realizing it, you may have stopped meeting one of her deepest needs. 

Which brings us to the most foundational reason she wants you to read her mind.