Why Does My Wife Expect Me to Read Her Mind?

Truth #2: When you seek out what matters to her, without being told, you are signaling how much you love her

Because your wife or girlfriend probably has that inner vulnerability, she may be longing for you to seek out what matters to her as a way of soothing that vulnerability. When she doesn’t tell you something, it may be because—subconsciously or consciously—she is hoping you will care enough about her to figure it out. (Will he notice I had such a hard week and ask if he could take the kids and let me sleep in? Or Will he notice I’ve been a bit sad lately and ask what would cheer me up, like a girls’ night out?)

This may seem like playing games. It may seem like “she’s testing me.” All of which may drive you nuts. But that’s not what is going on. Because it is not a game. Down in the deep places, her heart is truly asking, “Does he really care enough about me to want to know me?” 

After all, flip the script on this. Do you have an underground vulnerability about whether you are good at those things you do for your wife or girlfriend? Do you ever, subconsciously or consciously, look for signals that she appreciates or admires what you do for her? For example, do you ever mow and tend to the lawn while hoping she will care enough to notice, without being told? (Will she notice that I was out there for three hours in the heat and made everything look nice?) Are you hoping that she will drive back in the driveway and go, “Oh! It looks amazing! Thank you for doing that!” And if she doesn’t, do you ever get a bit frustrated or sad? (And if you are trying to handle this desire in a healthy way, do you ever go looking for the affirmation if she doesn’t naturally give it? Like: “Did you notice anything about the front yard?”)

Is that a game? No. What you are looking for is the exact same thing that your wife or girlfriend is looking for: a message that will speak to the insecurity in your heart. 

Now, we should make clear: It is not your responsibility to “make your wife feel good about herself.” Just as it is not her responsibility to do that for you. That is not what we’re talking about. But it is an opportunity to care for the other person’s heart in a way that will really matter.