Why Can’t We Just Go To Sleep?

She is saying: “I want to connect with you.”

What you can do: If possible, engage in the conversation without trying to hurry it along.

Now, you may have been anticipating an entirely different way of connecting! But tonight as you climb into bed, your wife says, “Honey, I’ve been needing to ask you about something. What did Jonathan say to you after you caught him looking at that inappropriate stuff on his phone?” Or “I got a call from the grandkids today. I’m really worried that Jessica and Doug aren’t taking them to church anymore.”

Here’s what you need to know: Although your wife is indeed wanting to discuss an actual issue (more on that in a moment), she is, first and foremost, wanting to connect with you. To the degree that you haven’t had time during the day (or several days) for an involved conversation, she has probably been feeling a bit distant. She has been storing up this topic in her heart, wanting to share it—not just with a girlfriend or her sister or with her journal . . . but with you. An out-of-the-blue deep question is a signal. It means that she’s looking for engagement. For time together. So to the degree that you can pivot and engage in the conversation without getting impatient or trying to hurry it along, it will make her feel loved and connected. Especially if you can listen to her feelings rather than racing toward a solution.

What if you can’t pivot? What if you’re exhausted and your brain is shutting down? The key is to explain that and then make a date (that you will proactively keep!) to have the conversation as soon as feasible. In other words, “My talk with Jonathan was good, but we have some follow-up to do. The thing is . . . right now, I’m so tired that I’m going to forget stuff. How about as soon as we get the kids off to school, let’s sit down and have some coffee and I’ll tell you all about it.”