Why Can’t We Just Go To Sleep?

She is saying: “This is bugging me and I can’t go to sleep until I figure out what would make me feel better.”

What you can do: Listen without judgment that she needs something to make her feel better!

The second way you see the brain wiring in action comes when the topic is something that is bugging her and she wants to process it so that she can go to sleep.

Briefly, imagine our brains are like computers with one or more windows open. In most cases (roughly 75%), men will have one mental “window” open at a time. It is as if you focus on that thought or topic, close that window, then open up the next one. It’s a very sequential process and, once bedtime arrives, you are generally able to close the last window and go to sleep.

Many women have a different experience. In fact, our research for For Men Only found that 87% of women have many windows open at once. All day, we women bounce back and forth between the thoughts we are processing. Did the kids finish their homework? Is my boss still upset at that error? Has the dog been out? Did we sign that permission slip? By the time we crawl into bed and try to close out our mental desktop, there is often a worry-window that has been sitting there all day, bugging us, that we haven’t been able to focus on yet. And if we don’t focus on it, we’ll probably be lying awake with our mind whirring for a while. Because unlike with the brain wiring of most men, the brain wiring of most women isn’t set up to easily “close out” an annoying mental window.

Your wife may be reaching out to you because discussing the issue will help her figure out what would make her feel better. This might mean that she processes toward a “solution” (as mentioned earlier) or it might simply involve her figuring out what would quiet her heart even if it doesn’t solve the actual problem. For example: “Maybe we should offer to take the grandkids to church at some point, but first . . . I think I just need to have a heart-to-heart with Jessica about where they are. This is a marathon and not a sprint, and I don’t want to come across as pushy.”

So guys, the next time the clock hits 11:00 pm, and your wife rolls over and wants to discuss something, understand that she doesn’t want to cause sleep deprivation! She is sending a signal that she is looking to you, the most important person in her life, for engagement on a topic that matters. If you can’t engage right then, she will understand—especially if you establish a pattern of following through on the conversation shortly thereafter. But no matter when you talk, the good news is this: your work to understand her will signal something as well—that you care.

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