Use Astrology To Ruin Valentine’s Day!

(SCENE: A living room couch crowded with half-empty snack food packages. A PROFESSIONAL ASTROLOGER sits there in his pajama pants and a mustard-stained Doctor Who t-shirt. A cell phone rings, and after a brief search the ASTROLOGER finds it under a pizza box and answers it)

ASTROLOGER: Hello…?

(The ASTROLOGER holds the phone away from his head momentarily to avoid the angry shouting coming from the person on the other side of the conversation… his GIRLFRIEND)

ASTROLOGER: Whoa, whoa… honey, calm down. What’s the problem?

(There is more shouting from the phone)

ASTROLOGER: Yes, I know. It’s Valentine’s Day.

(More shouting)

ASTROLOGER: Sweetie, you should know there’s a perfectly good reason why I didn’t do anything with you to mark the occasion.

(prolonged silence)

ASTROLOGER: First of all, the Sun is in Aquarius, as it always is on February 14th. As you know, dear, Aquarius is kind of a “universal” Sign, always concerned with the well-being of people in general… and less focused on the demands of the individual. It’s more about “higher love” than the easily marketed form of love that the corporate interests behind the commercialization of Valen —

(There is renewed shouting from the phone)

ASTROLOGER: Okay. I’m guessing you’re upset because this Valentine’s Day the Moon is in Libra, and that particular placement has a certain reputation for being heavily invested in romance and relationships and such. So I guess it’s natural that you might think —

(Brief but intense shouting)

ASTROLOGER: Whoa, honey… I’ve never heard you use language like that before. Let me finish. There are two big problems with this Valentine’s Day in particular. First the Moon is going to be opposite Venus and Mars for the first part of the day. Now, that Venus-Mars conjunction could make for some sexual energy, sure… but the opposition from the Moon means it’s going to be kind of tense and possibly awkward, and not necessarily “romantic” at all —

(Another round of shouting)

ASTROLOGER: …And then later in the day the Moon is square Pluto and opposite Uranus! Regardless of the Sign placements, a combination like that is going to make for a lot of tension, and there are likely to be lots of arguments and outbursts going on. So naturally, being good at my job, I decided it was best to not do anything and avoid you today… because I care about you too much to want to risk —

(Lots of shouting)

ASTROLOGER: — I didn’t want to risk —

(Prolonged, furious shouting… followed by silence)

ASTROLOGER: (To himself) Well, damn. I tried to avoid trouble with her today. (Shuts off phone and returns it to under the pizza box) But like I keep telling her, “you can’t argue with astrology…”