Be careful what you pray for….

Because you just might get it.

I’ve been quiet. There’s been a lot going on in my house since Adam’s grandmother died two weeks ago. As soon as he returned from the funeral, my in-laws arrived and then it was Thanksgiving. Then my daughter came down with a double infection and a bronchial thingamajig. Oh yeah, and I’ve been not so successfully fighting the cold and…..

And dealing with so much stuff that I cannot talk about publicly. On top of some wonderful opportunities that I look forward to sharing with you next week, I am dealing with some very deep relationship issues. Which leads me to the title of this post.

Yesterday I was overwhelmed with intense feelings. I felt like a deer in headlights, paralyzed, unable to see if the bright lights were safe or potentially fatal. I walked myself into my office (altar room) and sat in meditation for a while. The moment I walked into the room I was smacked upside the head with the realization that every single day I pray to Mahakali to slay the fears that limit my spirit. If I’m not prepared to face my fears – my deepest insecurities, to dig deep, to expose my heart – then what the hell am I doing praying that prayer?

And I realized I had only last month prayed and venerated Lakshmi, goddess of abundance, asking for all good things. If I am not prepared to make room for that abundance, then I am foolish indeed.

So I’m facing my fears. Mostly it feels like I’m flailing and talking too much to my loved ones. Mostly it feels like I’m vacillating between feeling strong and expansive, and shame that I’ve not got my shit figured out. I am clearing out the dead weeds in my patterns, past and heart, making room for new growth, new love, new patterns; more, better, stronger.