5 More Things No One Knows Are Ridiculously Catholic, But Should

5 More Things No One Knows Are Ridiculously Catholic, But Should December 28, 2011

A mild follow-up to the unbelievably spicy 5 Things No One Knows Are Ridiculously Catholic, But Should. I’m beginning to develop the belief that you could give me just about anything at all and I could link it to the Holy Roman Catholic Church. And yes, that’s a combox challenge. Up, up and away then:

1. Chief Sitting Bull

Somewhere in the bowels of a stoner apparel store, on the clothing rack next to the incense sticks, between a Rage Against the Machine T-Shirt and “Legalize It” hoodie, you’re bound to find a shirt with this guy on it…

…usually plastered along with a great quote like “The white man knows how to make everything, but he does not know how to distribute it.” And thus he is claimed as a free-thinking, proto-liberal, accepting and tolerating sort of fellow who surely would’ve been down with abortion, gay marriage and all the rest. But it’s a conveniently cropped picture. Here’s the real deal:

Can you spot the difference? Hint: It’s the blatant rocking of a God-man dying on a cross around his neck. The best evidence points to Chief Sitting Bull as a baptized Catholic, though he was never fully received into the Church on account of having two wives and being unable to choose between the two. (You know how it is.) Now credit must go where credit is due: The Jesuit missionary Father De Smet was the man largely responsible for introducing Chief Sitting Bull to the Faith, one of the few whiteys — it seems — to behave noticeably unlike a douchebag to the Indians. Of course, all of this means that we need more Hipster T-shirt Re-designs!

2. Crossing Your Fingers

Unsurprisingly, it’s just a quick sign of the cross. Originally, it had nothing to do with luck and everything to do with casting out evil from your presence — Catholics believe that the symbol of the cross is a powerful weapon against Satan and all his works. We’re just old school that way. Of course, if you’re a real old-school Catholic you cross your forefinger and your thumb, but the beauty of the thing is this — what has devolved into superstition for the world can be restored to spiritual reality by the believer. Why not cross your fingers as a quick prayer in times of temptation?

3. Music

Okay, just squidding, the Church didn’t invent music, it’s a supernatural human creation. I’d argue that we invented the most beautiful form of music, but whatever…

The point here is that the Church is largely responsible for the development of musical notation, the music we read today. Obviously, this was very nice of them, because it meant that fantastic music can be spread and learnt, far and wide, and that pieces don’t die with their composers. The man responsible? Guido of Arezzo (heehee, Guido,) a Benedictine monk regarded as the inventor of modern musical notation. He gave us do, re, mi, deriving the pitches from a hymn to John the Baptist:

Ut queant laxis resonāre fibris
Mira gestorum famuli tuorum,
Solve polluti labii reatum,
Sancte Iohannes.

You’re all welcome. And now for something completely different:

4. Mark Wahlberg

I’m just gonna go ahead and admit the mancrush. There. Now I have license to this picture:

Reason #4927540 to become Catholic -- You are immediately granted the forearms of Thor.

Mark Wahlberg is a great guy. Former crack-addict, prisoner, Calvin Klein model, rapper, current actor and father — you know, the basics. Now he’s a great Catholic, praying daily, attending Mass, and frequenting confession. And he probably still thinks it’s Christmas. (It is.) But what I particularly like about Mark Wahlberg is that he goes to his priest as to what movie roles he should accept, and does not take a role without his go-ahead. So you have this guy…

…to thank for the fact that this never happened:

which annoyed a lot of people. But I guess that this means we also have Rev. James Flavin to thank for this:

Which, if you haven’t seen, you absolutely must, for it is fantastic.

5. The Bible

Thought I’d throw this one in. Matt Warner, who blogs over at Fallible Blogma, has the lowdown.

“It is also undisputed, historical fact that the Catholic Church set and confirmed the New Testament Canon throughout history and definitively at the end of the 4th century. They are the ones who decided which early Christian writings were “Inspired” and therefore included in the canon of the Bible and which writings were not (indeed there were many that were not).

Again, there were lots of writings out there that may have been “true.” But they didn’t make it into the Canon just for being true…they were instead left out because the Church determined them to not be “Inspired.” It was the leaders of the Catholic Church that decided all of this. They are the ones who discerned which writings truly were “The Word of God.”

So the authority of the Biblical canon – and therefore, indirectly, the Bible itself – rests on the authority of the Catholic Church. Either the Catholic Church had the authority and capacity to do this or they didn’t. We can see through history and reason that they did have this authority.Therefore, I believe the Bible is the Inspired Word of God.”

Oh the sweetness, it burns. Thanks for reading, Merry Christmas, and leave any things no one knows are ridiculously Catholic, but certainly should, below.

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