7 Quick Takes Friday: 7 Terrible Movies Worth Wasting Your Time On

I’m starting something new on my blog on Fridays: 7 Quick Takes! This is the brainchild of the wonderful Jen at Conversion Diary, whose website I’ve linked to before. It’s a great way to get a quickie post in on Fridays, but I’m not quite creative enough to post seven random quick takes, so I’ve decided to have a theme for mine. (Actually, I’m following Simcha Fisher’s lead, whose blog I Have to Sit Down is hilarious. Check it out!)

Hopefully this will be a chance to shake things up a bit and maybe post some things that…gasp!…have nothing to do with pregnancy, motherhood, or being barefoot in the kitchen. (Oh, I haven’t blogged about that yet? Trust me, it’s coming.) But I make no promises.

This week I’m going to tell you about seven terrible movies that are worth wasting your time on. I know about these movies for two reasons: 1) I have awful taste in movies. It’s a trait that I embrace. And 2) my husband and I used to go to Blockbuster on Fridays with our friend Andrea and try to find the worst-looking movie in the store, which resulted in some pretty hilarious evenings, so here are some of the winners.

(Disclaimer: These movies can really only be properly appreciated accompanied by good friends and a drink or four.)

#7: Cerberus

This movie is terrible. The acting is terrible, the special effects are terrible, and the script is terrible. But aside from my #1 pick, I have never laughed so hard while watching a movie in my life. The plot involves Cerberus (obviously), Attila the Hun, a pretty historian, a handsome agent of some sort, a degenerate gambler and a random North Korean bad-guy-with-nukes subplot. Oh, and it’s set in Romania. Sound confusing? Trust me, it is. About halfway through the movie we started up a contest to see who could accurately predict what was going to happen next, and the suggestions were almost as funny as what actually happened. Almost.

#6: Mars Attacks!

This movie is actually funny because it was meant to be that way. It falls under my umbrella of “terrible movies” because it’s intentionally terrible, and wildly succeeds in its aim. I love it because I love Jack Nicholson, and also because it’s just such a great commentary on the stupidity of our current “love and tolerance” foreign policy. So if you’re of the “love and tolerance” mindset, maybe you should skip this one.

#5: The Terror of Tiny Town

Via Wikipedia: “The Terror of Tiny Town…is the world’s only musical Western with an all-midget cast.” Need I say more?

(Disclaimer: My little brother thinks this movie is an exploitation of midgets. Personally, I don’t think they can be considered to have been exploited if they got paid to do a job, and in 1938, when this film was made, there weren’t a whole lot of midget-friendly jobs that weren’t exploitative. I’m assuming this job was probably better than a traveling circus.)

#4: Death Tunnel

Are you confused by the cover of this movie? Trust me, the plot explains…nothing. It starts out as a typical asylum-horror-movie, with college girls left in an abandoned sanatorium to survive the night and the horrors within, but then it quickly devolves into…well, we never actually figured out what it devolved into. It seemed like the writers accidentally gave the actors a game of “Mad Libs” instead of a script, and then the director just went with it. Not only is the plot, or lack thereof, somewhat hilarious, but the antics of the heroic boy trying to rescue the damsel in distress will definitely crack you up. If you’ve had enough to drink.

#3: Crank

This movie is awful…and yet, every time my husband puts it on, I laugh and sit down. Why do I do that?

The plot is ludicrous. A hit man is given a poison that will kill him if his heart rate drops, and sets out to both protect his blissfully ignorant girlfriend and get revenge upon the people who poisoned him, all while keeping his adrenaline pumping. It’s like Speed, starring Jason Statham as the bus. And yet…and yet…it’s hilarious. And addictive. You find yourself unable to tear your eyes away, rooting for Jason Statham to stay revved up, no matter what ludicrous things he undertakes to do so.

(Disclaimer: This film is rated R for good reason. It’s violent and there is a really graphic sex scene. Personally, I walk out of the room during that part because it makes me faintly nauseous, but do what you will. Just know that you’ve been warned.)

#2: The Holiday

This is actually one of my favorite movies of all time. The only thing terrible about it, in my opinion, is that Jude Law is a lot prettier than either of the leading ladies. And even that’s not so bad. But I’ve been assured by several friends that this movie is actually terrible, and they cannot believe I watch it once a month.

But I do. I love it. I’m a sucker for romantic comedies, Jude Law, and Nancy Meyers films in general. I think this movie is funny and sweet, and watching it makes me happy. So I highly recommend it, but I’m putting it on my terrible list to protect myself from indignant friends who still can’t believe I recommended it to them (I’m talking to you, Rosie!).

#1: A Sound of Thunder

I love this movie. This movie kept us laughing for days, weeks even, after we watched it. The plot itself is not actually that bad, plus it has Ben Kingsley in it. It’s one of those “traveling back in time and crushing a butterfly will change the path of evolution” movies. And even if you think the plot is bad or you somehow don’t love Ben Kingsley, please bear with the movie. The last scene makes it all worth it. I promise.

You’ll never look at a catfish the same way again.