Scott Adams is a very talented cartoonist who gives us Dilbert day after day. He has a pleasant wacky and wry sense of humor. And now he has offered us— Name that Job Performer! This email will give you the long list, and we’ll save the top ten for tomorrow.
Read things that don’t matter, then write papers saying they do matter, for points that don’t matter, in order to get a job doing something totally unrelated: Student
Take numbers on pieces of paper, rearrange them and put them on different pieces of paper: Tax Accountant
Explain big words to sales people and then cower before customers while trying to convince them that the sales people really didn’t say what the customers understood: Customer Solutions Engineer
Learn laws created ages ago so that I can tell engineers why I’m smarter than they are while complaining how it’s a travesty that they get paid more: Physics major
Show you innovative ways to burn money in the spirit of patriotism: Fireworks Stand Manager
Help people lie consistently to their bosses: Business Intelligence Consultant
Teach your kids enough to complain but not enough to make a difference: College Teacher
Pass poisonous gas on command: Research Assistant in solid state ammonia storage
Make people who are already filthy rich somewhat richer by duping poor people into buying stuff they don’t need: Corporate Software Engineer
Find as many synonyms for “explosion” as possible: Novelist for Teenage Boys
Supervise the guys and gals who try to protect the good people from the bad, only to be hated by the good people AND the bad: Police Sergeant
Make corporate propaganda feel like folksy truthisms: TV Ad Director
Manage waste recycling, promotion & sales: Antiques Dealer
Arrive after the battle and bayonet all the wounded: Auditor
Sell gas: Energy and Telecom Business Analyst
Tell forty year-old men it’s okay to behave like fourteen year-old school girls: Printing Press Production Coordinator
Provide arcane information on a need-to-know basis: Chief Accountant
Shepherd clients through the process of setting their products on fire: Consumer Products Tester
Manage urban renewal and pest control: B-52 Bomber pilot
Persuade kids that it’s really fun being wet, cold and scared out of their minds: Sailing Instructor
Draw up plans for something that will not be built according to those plans: Civil Engineer, Transportation Design
Teach kids to be evil…or so they say: Video Game Creator
Ensure that stupid people stay in the gene pool: Lifeguard
Spend most of the day looking out the window: Pilot
Wear a tuxedo and smash metal plates into each other: Musician
Go to strange people’s houses and take their money: Pizza Delivery Boy
Sell gluttony: Cinema Concession Stand Attendant
Tell people that they can’t spend money they thought they had: Government Analyst
Take pictures of the unlucky and the stupid: X-ray Technician
Profit from the misfortunes of others: Cops and Courts Reporter
Take a simple two-way promise and turn it into several complicated one-way promises which neither side can understand or hope to fulfill: Lawyer
Bring a little rain into the lives of flood victims: Government Debt Collector
Have people spend far more than they estimated: Building Inspector
Make sure nothing ever happens: IT Security
Move things from one tube to another: Microbiologist
Try not to kill the baby: Housewife
Misinterpret the universe: Astronomer
Be a human napkin: Stay-at-home mom of three
Run away and call the police: Security Guard
Copy and paste the Internet: Student
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