When you find out you have cancer but that’s all you know…it’s a foxhole moment and not just once, but suddenly and often. You never know when the undertow of fear is going to pull you out, only that it will and to keep your eyes fixed on where you want to be, so you don’t get lost in the anxiety. I do better with fighting battles where I know what I face, than ones where the biggest issue is... Read more
Today, I went to the surgeon for follow up. Eleven of twenty-three lymph nodes they removed, indicated cancer. Bone and Body scans to follow. As a rule, doctors like to give a resting neutral face when they discuss things, and all around them follow suit. It used to bug me, but I learned the value of it today. The surgeon told me, her prognosis for me was, “Excellent.” and I left feeling shaken but not overwhelmed. Waiting in the lobby... Read more
Recently, I shared this meme, only to be questioned as to whether it was an act of humility to wear a mask if one acknowledged one needed humility to wear a mask. It got me thinking about the misunderstandings most have of the concept of humility. Humility is not the absence of awareness that our acts have meaning, but a profound recognition that our acts have consequences beyond what we imagine. Humility is the willingness to serve even if no... Read more
How am I? Well, the title says it all. My brain, my nerves, my body feel flayed and they have been, so I’m ill at ease with everything, most especially, myself. It is hard to be still. There is a real desire to “do” something, to somehow stamp the day…I read a book, I took a walk, I wrote a thank you…because the minutes in between those accomplishments seem to hang and yawn in the void. The lesson of all... Read more
Having gone through eight confirmations aside from my own, I’ve done some thinking about how we can better prepare candidates for this singular sacrament. I want those who are marked with the chrism to know its unmistakable foreverness. Here’s what I’ve learned as a parent observing the process this many times. Seventh and eighth graders don’t know what they don’t know. They do know that they are starting to grow up, and that being about to grow up, their opinions... Read more
It’s August. It’s hot and there is nothing looming on the horizon but the ordinary tediousness of eating, sleeping cleaning and caring for the ordinary stuff. August feels like a time without season, without salt, without the inspiration that comes with the start of something: dog days indeed. I’m not depressed. I’m reflecting on the fading of the summer green, the garden, and the lack of luster as people anticipate the beginning of a new school year. Books and sneakers,... Read more
The surgery took place on the feast of Saint Mary, Saint Martha and Saint Lazarus. Recovery is slow. I hit walls and the walls hit back. Fatigue, anxiety and pain feel the same. I can never tell which is talking, only that they’re shouting at me. So I am learning to not be Martha, but it’s more than not doing, it’s not being anxious about not doing. It’s being Mary, being okay to listen, to learn, to sit, and to... Read more
It’s a grace to recognize gifts. Yesterday, the gift of searing a moment was received. It began with getting my son out to the bus. Normally they show up right at seven, but today were delayed. I took out my phone and began one of several prayers I try to get through for my children. The worries of tomorrow kept interrupting and I found myself in tears mid prayer. My son Paul is twelve. Even with Downs, his tween-ness normally... Read more
This is both real and tongue in cheek –because I know, there’s never an age when we don’t need Mom. My mom is here, and I’m fifty-five. I need her. (Thanks Mom!) 10) Be gentle, be gentle, be gentle with each other. 9) See the task, be the task. (This includes emptying trash, rodeoing the laundry, clearing out the dishwasher and yes, washing the pots and pans). Also, no shutting your eyes to not see the task. 8) Most fights... Read more
I have one days before surgery and I’ll admit it right now, I’m scared. It isn’t that I don’t need the surgery, it’s that I would prefer it didn’t require the amputation component. I also feel afraid of the surgery itself. Going under for three hours is a long time. On my window are three rows of cards from friends, organized by a friend, cheering me on, telling me, “You got this.” and in my bravest moments, I know only... Read more
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