Man’s Faith Completely Undone Due to Flying Spaghetti Monster Argument

Man’s Faith Completely Undone Due to Flying Spaghetti Monster Argument September 14, 2016

480996244_ed25096139_zLANCASTER, MICH. – Apologetics author and speaker Daniel Lee Riley has recently abandoned his faith and 29 year-old ministry altogether due to a relentless and incredibly convincing argument from an atheist regarding the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

“The conversation started quite like any other,” said Riley. “We talked at great length regarding the metaphysical reality of person-hood, moved to providing the Ontological proof of existence for God, and then even started speaking about the resurrection of Jesus Christ. He, of course, brought out the already well-refuted points regarding Horace, Mithra, and Osiris, drawing out their origins and similar stories later in life where they ‘essentially mirrored Christ’s life and ministry’ only to have historical and archaeological reality brought to bear.”

Riley further explained, “Then I moved on to showing how the historicity of the supposed ‘scholar’ was in question because nearly everyone in their field rejected their analysis because these claims were not just historically inaccurate, but altogether unfounded, and all of a sudden he blindsided me with the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I have never, ever, ever in my life encountered philosophical genius of this caliber… It left me completely undone. I mean, it was right there, in front of me the whole time. Every Friday my mom made us spaghetti and meatballs…and we prayed over the meal without even seeing the irony.

Having spent the vast majority of his life defending the faith, Daniel now feels a strong sense of resentment toward Christian ideals of any sort. He now spends his time living in the basement of his mother’s house building his Samurai sword collection and donning his favorite fedora whilst in chat forums calling Christians out for their backwards beliefs.

When asked how this encounter left him feeling, Riley replied, “I feel at peace. You know. It’s like this veil has been lifted and I can FINALLY see things as they really are. I have a deep, abiding trust that I’m right – and truthfully have no fear of death at all, because stardust, man. How significant is that!? Really though, I really have no fear of death. Really. Seriously. I’m totally at peace. Plus, God doesn’t exist. I hate Him, but He doesn’t exist.”
Editorial Note: This post, like all of the other posts in the Satire section of our webpage, are fake and exist to you make you laugh.

 

Featured Image: FSM 5206 by Doug Nakatomi; CC 2.0

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • cjaym

    Oh, silly FSM heathens. Don’t they know that Jibbers Crabst died for their science?

    Praise Jibbers.

    • kpcole

      Silly heathens, why thank you. May you be touched by His noodelicious appendage. Ramen

      • cjaym

        Don’t make me hit you with Russell’s Teapot!

        • kpcole

          Bertrand would kiss you for that.

          • cjaym

            Stop, you’re making me blush…

  • Nathaniel

    Man mistakes mockery for attempts at persuasion. Film at 11.

  • marik

    There is one verse in the Bible that is indisputably true, whether you regard the Bible as divine or not: “By their fruits you shall no them.”
    Start with the French Revolution and see the fruits of atheism.
    When it comes to industrial-scale murder of human beings, no religion can hold a candle to them. Until the devotees of the Flying Spaghetti Monster start engaging in mass slaughter, shut up and leave them alone. Other people’s illusions are not your concern. If you can play along with the lie that a man has “transitioned” into being a woman, you can play along with other people’s lies too.

    • David Brown

      *know

    • cjaym

      It should be pointed that an atheist doing something evil does not mean they are doing it in the name of atheism. Stalin was an atheist, but his atrocities were about power, not a lack of religious faith. Not all atrocities committed by Christians are done in the name of God or Christ, and it would be unfair to assert otherwise. The same consideration should be given to atheists.

      • CruisingTroll

        Thank you for highlighting how utterly useless atheism is as a constructive sociological force.

        “huh?” you’re likely saying…

        Even the totalitarian ideology masquerading as a religion known as Islam has some internal motivations to “do good.” Atheism? It has NO internal call to “do good.” Nada. The ONLY internal call of atheism appears to be “attack theism and theists”. That’s it.

        Where are the atheists who have started hospitals because of their atheism? Where are the orphanages built by atheists because of their atheism?

        So while you’re correct that it would be unjust to lay all of the evil done by atheists at the non-altar of atheism, it is even more so to lay the good. There is nothing constructive about atheism.

        • cjaym

          You’re making the mistake of treating atheism as an ideology. It is no more an ideology than a lack of belief in Santa is. My personal moral ideology, for example, identifies as humanist, not atheist.

      • marik

        Oh, they most definitely DO deserve consideration.
        What’s a few genocides, after all?

    • Brian Westley

      The bible also has the concept of the scapegoat, where someone or something is unfairly blamed for problems — which is exactly what you’re attempting to do to atheists. That’s one way to start a pogrom.

      • marik

        No, there is no “concept of the scapegoat” in the Bible, there is a literal GOAT – those things with horns, hooves, etc. – found in Leviticus 16.

        One more addle-brained atheist posing as an expert on the book he has never seen, possessing less intelligence and more stubbornness than the goat, probably more odor as well.

        • Brian Westley

          No, there is no “concept of the scapegoat” in the Bible, there is a literal GOAT – those things with horns, hooves, etc. – found in Leviticus 16.

          Which is where the concept originated, like I said.

          One more addle-brained atheist posing as an expert on the book he has never seen, possessing less intelligence and more stubbornness than the goat, probably more odor as well.

          Hey, mindless insults. Very Christian of you, and I really mean that.

  • R’amen brother!!

  • Philmonomer

    The Flying Spaghetti Monster is satire. This then:

    I have never, ever, ever in my life encountered philosophical genius of this caliber… It left me completely undone. I mean, it was right there, in front of me the whole time. Every Friday my mom made us spaghetti and meatballs…and we prayed over the meal without even seeing the irony.

    is actually quite ironic–in a way wholly unintended by the author.

  • Jennny

    I heard that FSM-ism, like religions everywhere, was about to split – some believing a metal colander is the only choice whilst others holding tenaciously onto their doctrine of plastic only.