LANCASTER, MICH. – Apologetics author and speaker Daniel Lee Riley has recently abandoned his faith and 29 year-old ministry altogether due to a relentless and incredibly convincing argument from an atheist regarding the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
“The conversation started quite like any other,” said Riley. “We talked at great length regarding the metaphysical reality of person-hood, moved to providing the Ontological proof of existence for God, and then even started speaking about the resurrection of Jesus Christ. He, of course, brought out the already well-refuted points regarding Horace, Mithra, and Osiris, drawing out their origins and similar stories later in life where they ‘essentially mirrored Christ’s life and ministry’ only to have historical and archaeological reality brought to bear.”
Riley further explained, “Then I moved on to showing how the historicity of the supposed ‘scholar’ was in question because nearly everyone in their field rejected their analysis because these claims were not just historically inaccurate, but altogether unfounded, and all of a sudden he blindsided me with the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I have never, ever, ever in my life encountered philosophical genius of this caliber… It left me completely undone. I mean, it was right there, in front of me the whole time. Every Friday my mom made us spaghetti and meatballs…and we prayed over the meal without even seeing the irony.”
Having spent the vast majority of his life defending the faith, Daniel now feels a strong sense of resentment toward Christian ideals of any sort. He now spends his time living in the basement of his mother’s house building his Samurai sword collection and donning his favorite fedora whilst in chat forums calling Christians out for their backwards beliefs.
When asked how this encounter left him feeling, Riley replied, “I feel at peace. You know. It’s like this veil has been lifted and I can FINALLY see things as they really are. I have a deep, abiding trust that I’m right – and truthfully have no fear of death at all, because stardust, man. How significant is that!? Really though, I really have no fear of death. Really. Seriously. I’m totally at peace. Plus, God doesn’t exist. I hate Him, but He doesn’t exist.”
Editorial Note: This post, like all of the other posts in the Satire section of our webpage, are fake and exist to you make you laugh.
Featured Image: FSM 5206 by Doug Nakatomi; CC 2.0
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