The Following is a Guest Post From Gregory Shane Morris
Philadelphia PA—Scholars at the nation’s top seminaries are in shock after local college sophomore, Blaine Richards, informed an evangelical friend on Facebook that Jesus hung out with sinners.
“This changes everything,” said Professor Carl Trueman of Westminster Theological Seminary in nearby Glenside, PA. “With a stroke of his iPhone, Blaine has revolutionized the way we think about the Ten Commandments, sin, and even salvation. Not since Martin Luther nailed his Ninety-Five Theses to the door of the Wittenberg church has anyone made this kind of contribution to the study of Scripture.”
Richards, 22, offered his piercing insight during an online discussion with fellow student, Frederica Sanchez, about a controversial Georgia bill that would have allowed pastors to opt-out of performing same-sex weddings. Christian leaders around the country were outraged when Governor Nathan Deal vetoed the bill under threat from pro-LGBT corporations. But many of those same leaders are reevaluating their theology in light of Richards’ breathtaking epiphany.
The top doctrinal minds in America have already formed a six-month waiting list to sit at the feet of the incisive sophomore, who they hope will shed further light on the gospels as they process his groundbreaking revelation.
“It’s astounding,” said Albert Mohler Jr., president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary in Louisville, KY. “Here we were all these years believing that the countless biblical commands against adultery, sodomy, fornication, and other sins applied not only to how Christians behave, but to what we endorse. But thanks to Mr. Richards’ penetrating exegesis, we now realize that the Lord Jesus wouldn’t want us to bear witness to the transformative power of His cross. What He really cared about was not hurting anyone’s feelings.”
According to sources, Richards posted his paradigm-shattering observation shortly after his live-in girlfriend dropped him off at the coffee shop where he works.
“Jesus taught us not to judge,” he noted, displaying theological acumen that would put Aquinas to shame. “He had no problem kicking back with prostitutes and tax collectors. And really, aren’t we all pretty ****ed up, too? Besides, it was mostly religious people and Old Testament stuff that ticked Jesus off. Like that time He told them to leave that stoned lady alone. That’s just like today, man.”At press time, Richards had posted a meme to his Instagram with a quote from Mahatma Gandhi: “I like your Christ. I don’t like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.” The list of theologians waiting to speak with him immediately doubled.