Love Letter 26

It is perhaps true that I never loved you “like that,” whatever “that” means, but you should never take that to mean I did not or that I do not, love you. You and I crossed lives during times spent, in a cultural that drove a stake so deep in my heart I thought I’d never cry enough to empty the well of tears – I still haven’t. In the midst of all that, at the moment the wounds were inflicted where were you? You were right there, dear friend, right there. Close enough that I could smile a little, feel good for a while; you were close enough that I knew I was not alone. You were a girl then, but you did a woman’s job. (Without anyone there to help you I might add.) But if you’d been any closer than that, I’d have torn your life apart as I did mine – not that I understood that then. No, let’s call what happened and what didn’t happen, grace – because it was. From start to finish, from where your path led to where mine has taken me, it’s been grace upon grace. It’s enough to make you believe in God. My friend Marc says that our love lists are too short. By this he does not mean that we should expand our lives to take on 1000 new lovers, (at least I don’t think that’s what he means),  he means that we should let the love that is sourced in the presence of God overflow our hearts and permeate the world. “We live in a world of outrageous pain and the only response to outrageous pain is outrageous love.” So all these letters I’m writing are about opening my heart and putting as much love as I can into the world – the kind of love that breaks down all the boundaries that should not exist, the kind of love that erects all those that should. That’s what I want to give you now. We all seem to go through seasons where our wounds are open and exposed and when we do, the love that was always there finds its way to the surface too. If it was never there it could not resurface. I find that it is rising in its own gentle way right now. So please don’t say that I didn’t return your love, though I do know what you mean. You can say I had no clue how to express that in anything remotely resembling a constructive way, you can say that I was too confused to see the connection between real, valuable, friendship and love, you can say what is true: I had to flee that cultural space simply to survive – that’s right, survive – but don’t ever think that your love had no counterpart within my heart. You are a wonderful woman with a genuine heart (rare in this world), your integrity shines through, your joy is real. I saw it in that picture as you and your life partner walked with your creation in between, and you looking so gorgeous it took my breath away. I won’t follow this note with others for our lives have led us to a place where this should be said just once dear friend, dear friend who kept me from being all alone at a time in my life when I simply could not have stood it. I love you.

Sam