The Sermons Need Sex

The Sermons Need Sex December 8, 2019
Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash

I hear a lot of people talking about the need to save the church and there are plentiful ideas presented about how we should do that. There are a lot of great ideas out there but none of them scrape the surface of sex. That’s precisely what is missing from the sermons on Sunday—sex.

Before you go prematurely reacting to the idea, I don’t mean that we should literally have sex during sermons.

We should be having discussions about sex, our sexual identity, and what kind of spiritual powers we can utilize from understanding our sexuality. Sex is a superpower, but with great powers, comes great responsibility.

Jesus hardly spoke on the issue and Paul did not give the final say on the matter. And I would go so far as to say the reason Paul did not is because he did not understand Eros or the erotic phenomenon in a way that we do now. For this very reason of evolution of thought; if there is a desire to save the church, to revitalize it- we need to get naked in the pulpit and have serious, intimate discussions that we have been avoiding for thousands of years.

It’s even more evident that we need an erotic education thanks to the power of technology. We are becoming ever more aware of the sexual abuse/misuse entangling itself in every denomination. It seems like every day there is a new story revealing the ways in which the glorious temple that is our body, has been molested, perverted, and abused by someone in church authority.

The way we begin healing in the church is to start by acknowledging that no matter which walls surround you, whether they be political, religious, or other; the power of sex is abused. The sacredness of the body is soiled. It’s the most unfortunate fact about the entirety of sex—the gift from God can be turned into the vilest cruelty.

I acknowledge that these things can happen, but I beckon you to focus on what spiritual things can happen when you look at sex under a different lens. Some view sex as a form of prayer. Others are healed from sex with their partners.

The church must act quickly. The next generation of Americans are not easily wooed by ancient ideals that regard sex as concession to the continuance of life. They are not swayed by concepts that maintain sex is only sacred and holy so long as a piece of paper is signed between one man and one woman. We have evolved past the idea that a relationship needs to be validated by the State. This is not Rome, after all.

Leaders must be willing to address the most awkward questions from their parishioners.

“Will I go to hell if I have anal sex with my husband?” The answer is no, of course.

“Is oral sex a sin?” God no!

“Is watching porn a sin?” No. But I caution, this is a question that needs individual unpacking and does not have a one-size fits all answer.

“Will God forgive me for cheating on my partner?” Always, absolutely, every time.

“If my husband wants to have sex, and I do not, what should I do?” Never tell a partner to submit. Love and coercion are contradictory.

Over the next few months, I will be prodding these types of discussions on my podcast Recorded Conversations. I will be dialoguing with a variety of different walks of life, asking the question:

How do we provide an erotic education in the church and what does that look like?

I want to hear from you. What do we need to be addressing? The purity culture mentality that is devastating relationships as well as individuals?

  • What about the shameful ways in which the church covers up sex abuse?
  • What are the questions you want answered?
  • What do you want to see as a result of a new sexual integration with the church?
  • Why do you think the church should take a stand on sex?
  • What more needs to be unveiled about sexual identity?
  • How do we incorporate a healthy sense of sexual self without relying on labels and categories that divide us from Oneness?
  • Does the church need to speak on polyamory?
  • What more can the church do to integrate the gay community without making it stupidly awkward?
  • Which churches do you see taking steps to further this erotic education?
  • What is making a difference in your community?

Are you interested in joining the discussion? If you would like to be a guest on the show, contact me directly at:

I look forward to your feedback and I cannot wait to share what I have been working on.

For more of an erotic education check this and this out.

Recorded Conversations is also available on Apple Podcasts, Google Play, and Stitcher 

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  • Etranger

    The question of whether those things in bold are sins is open to interpretation. The Bible can direct one to whatever conclusion is desired. Most likely, the evidence is more on the side of those saying most of those things are a sin. However, if one uses logic and reason, one will always realize that oral sex, anal sex, same-sex relations, sex for fun only, etc. are not wrong. Once you start thinking there is a superpower invisible thing out there who cares what we do sexually you introduce a weird element (a very creepy sexual predator one!) to the discussion!

  • Etranger

    It is funny to see a downvote. We are in a time where reason and rational thinking are demonized!

  • Muff Potter

    You’ve got courage Danielle, there aren’t many who’d dare and challenge evangelical dogma regarding human sexuality.

  • Thanks. Time to talk about something other than politics.

  • Where did logic and reason come from if not God; certainly not man.

  • Etranger


  • Everett Kier Jr

    This is an absurd assertion. The church has long spoken on sexuality the problem is Danielle and her ilk have no desire to adhere to any teaching other than “I want what I want, when I want it” then they have the audacity to try to wrap the perversion of Biblical teaching in the flimsy cover of “Christian”. When sex is your god you have broken the 10 commandments at its hinges–the first 3 of the commands.

  • Could you tell me what specifically I stated that brought you to this conclusion?
    The entirety of the topic is so much more complex than one blog allowed for. But that is why I posed the questions that I did. I don’t expect that anyone has the one, definitive solution to stripping down this topic so that we can look at it with a wider lens. But, don’t you think that your reaction kind of perpetuates this “be happy with what you are allowed” mentality? It demonstrates that we should be content with limited views of the past, and I am sorry, but I live in the present.

    If you don’t have anything conducive to add to the conversation surrounding the evolution of erotic education, I suggest that you just remain silent. You have already discredited yourself from a good majority of potential grace by entering into this exchange with gross assumptions and mischaracterizations about me. So much so, that I find myself wondering why I have even given this much energy toward a response to you.

    You have also misunderstood almost everything that I have written to. I hardly doubt you have invested as much energy into the topic of the erotic as I have. Which is totally fine, because it interests me, and clearly not you. Yet, you seem so convinced of yourself that your quick and emotional dismissal of my work is going to someone, what, persuade me to suddenly stop and change the course?

    It is evident in your reaction that you fear a certain revelation of truth that may upset your entire worldview. I say welcome it and sit with it and ask yourself why you don’t want an evolution of conversation. You may want to limit yourself but don’t for one moment think that your trivial dismissal of something you are not willing to understand is going to influence others to just stop talking.

    Carry on with your views. I urge you to meaningfully be aware of what you are trying to oppose. And if you cannot figure out why you oppose something, if you cannot articulate it like a grown-ass adult in a civil discourse, without some bull shit ad hominem attack on someone you do not know; then I would ask yourself if you really understand what you oppose.

  • brassyhub

    I regret the desire-less sexless years of marriage. But should I feel
    guilty? Both my wife and myself thought, believed that we were following
    God’s plan for our lives. We were both doing our best to find and
    follow His will for us. This regret, this deep mis-match, will be with
    us until we die. She’s a lesbian and that won’t change, cannot change.
    I’m a straight, and God hasn’t taken away my longing for a deep loving
    connection in sex. Where is there hope? How to live without hope of any
    change here, in this world? What can I look forward to?This is where we can end up as ‘conservative Christians’, who believed, were lead to believe, that God would, could, does change sexual orientation.

  • Very sorry to read this. But there is hope; there is always hope. Prayer can bring miracles. When the scripture says God works in mysterious ways it certainly applies here. I don’t know how God will resolve your happiness but I know He will.
    Certainly you and your wife discussed sex before you married? Was the likelyhood of a sexless union mutually agreeable?

  • brassyhub

    We were both virgins when we married. We talked about sex, and agreed that we wanted lots of sex and lots of children. We have neither. My wife took thirty years to accept herself as a lesbian and to finally ‘come out’ to herself and to me. I suspect that I’ve never ever been really desired. She wanted to desire me, of course, but she’s always felt stronger attractions to some women friends than she has for me.

  • kev

    that is a sad situation. of course being gay is a decision on her part and she could choose to honor you and God and be intimate with you. can you see a pastor about this?

  • kev

    thanks for sharing.
    can i ask for more info on
    “Is watching porn a sin?” No. But I caution, this is a question that needs individual unpacking and does not have a one-size fits all answer. ??? i would like to know the biblical explanation on that one

    “If my husband wants to have sex, and I do not, what should I do?” Never tell a partner to submit. Love and coercion are contradictory. Eph says not to deny each other!

  • The point of the gospels is you are ABSOLUTELY NOT the arbiter of divine law (e.g. are you qualified to operate a space shuttle? Divine law is non-existent or for very serious professionals.) – two of your five “divine laws of sex” are wrong:

    4. God may or may not forgive infidelity.

    5. If I ordered you to have sex with me which I almost certainly would not, you would be required by divine law to fulfill that (pretty much the only condition I’d consider it is someone convicted of some capital offense or something and them being attractive enough to keep around as a sex slave).

  • The point is most Abrahamics will never understand what it’s like to be in love with God because they are too in love with themselves.

  • I have to ask, if I am discredited from offering “divine laws” as to be interpreted (which, I actually didn’t do, you just somehow viewed that I did), then who the hell are you to have any authority to make claims that what I said is or is not valid?
    Are you God?

    I think you missed the entire point of this. Those who are ready to receive a message will, and those who are not will push back hard because it compromises their own beliefs, which they self-identify with.

    Anyway, thanks for your comment?

  • Jesus never addressed porn in the bible, nor did anyone else. I am not sure how I can provide you with a biblical explanation?

    But if you limit yourself to believing that only the bible can persuade or dissuade you to accept something, you are asking the wrong woman. I don’t only use the bible to qualify anything. It’s a great book, but there are many other, older traditions and ideas that have helped me formulate my position on the erotic.

    I will be sure to address the porn topic in an upcoming episode of Recorded Conversations.

  • I enjoyed your piece as well. Thank you for bringing such insight to the conversation. 🙂

  • I am “the word made flesh.” Other than that I’m a regular human born of the miracle of human physiology.

    Your name, “Danielle Kingstom” means “God (El) is my Judge [in?] King’s town.” Or maybe not because “strom” sounds like German and I can’t really find the etymology for “Kingstrom” as opposed to “Kingston.” There is a Swedish name “kungstrom” which means “King’s stream.” (“no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being born of water and spirit”)

    “Is there anyone among you who, if your child asks for bread, will give a stone? Or if the child asks for a fish, will give a snake? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him!”
    – Matt 7:9-11

  • brassyhub

    Sexual orientation is NOT a choice. We can all chose how we act. It’s not so easy to choose how we feel. We desire or not. Can we choose to desire? I don’t think so. And yes, I have and do talk to my church minister. But they can only offer a listening, compassionate ear. The situation doesn’t and cannot change. Attitudes like yours are what got us here.

  • There is something I read from Carter Heyward’s book ” Touching Our Strength,” that makes me wonder if we do choose our sexuality as the way in which we present it and express it. A lot of what I am reading as of late prods areas of considerations that I had once considered too taboo even for myself; such as whether or not we are all queer, we just don’t know it yet.

  • Ok. Let’s start from there. Not in your case though. A hypothetical – What is being bi-sexual all about?

  • Everett Kier Jr

    Your reply intrigues me greatly–I sorta get the idea your reply is like the old quip “throw a rock into a pack of dogs and the one that yelps is the one that got hit”. I am further intrigued by the value of a response to a person who wants “civil discourse” and responds “..if you cannot articulate like a grown-ass adult in a civil discourse, without some bull shit ad hominem attack”…very mature, very articulate and very civil. BUT, let me reply briefly.
    My point is not to deny your right to pontificate; rather, it is to challenge the assumption it is a “Christian response. Jesus and Paul did articulate a sexual ethic and contrary to your assertion, sex that is healthy for creatures both physically and mentally is sex within a life-long committed relationship between a man and a woman. Rather archaic to your stated position but it is the dominant position in the Judaeo-Christian tradition and in most ethical traditions.
    Perhaps the stress you put on sex is born out of a culture that has obsessed over sex and sexuality to the point we can’t see what is very evident to a neutral party. The aberrations in our culture are hideous but they are not new to history. A history that is fraught with making sex and sexuality a god and worshiping the gift not the giver.
    My plea is why don’t you just admit you are not happy with the sexual ethics of Christianity and reject it rather than reinvent truth.

  • It seems that your scope isn’t wide enough for the image that is fully present. And that’s OK. You aren’t ready to hear my message. But if you believe that just because you are not ready to hear it that it, therefore, must mean that I am on the wrong path, you are allowing your ego to get the best of you.

    Thanks for your commentary. It should come as no surprise, but the majority of criticisms— regarding injecting an erotic education into our spiritual life— typically come from men. I wonder why that is?

    Perhaps it is that my presentation of what I believe is just so different from what you believe that you think it couldn’t possibly be qualified by any respected or prominent scholar of our time or the past. But here, you would be incorrect.
    I appreciate your push back. I won’t change a damn thing. Not really sure you are the authority on what is and is not a “Christian response.” But if you need to cling to that qualification to make yourself feel better, then by all means. You do you.

    Take care.

  • Everett,
    I am learning as I go on my journey. Fortunately, I have the privilege of this forum to write my thoughts and process what I am discovering. I change my mind, I am open to new information, and I don’t shy away from big topics that have received almost no attention. It’s pretty clear that this isn’t a topic you are invested in as much as I am. As I have stated numerous times- if you don’t like what I have to write, you don’t actually have to read it. You can ignore it. 🙂

    My messages are for those who are willing to think deeper about things and ask questions. It seems like you just want me to stop pushing against the status quo. I understand people like you but I don’t cater to people like you.
    Thanks for commenting. Next time, if you want to leave feedback, consider asking questions or sharing information that you value. If you haven’t picked up on it yet, because you are new to my work—I am an avid reader. I put away 57 books this year. So, if you have a recommendation, drop one down.
    Jesus was about edifying people, not silencing them. I hope you’d consider that.