Rakhi Sawant at Cannes

Everybuddy is talking about Aishwarya and Deepika at Cannes. These ladies are just standing on some rad carpet and getting their photo-shoto clicked. Arre bhai, yeh Canne kya hai, mujhe bhi batao? The moment I come to know it is not a body part, I tell my agent, meraa bhi ticket book karao, abhee. I am Rakhi Sawant, India’s item queen. Who is this Mallika Sherawat, posing in her petticoat-blouse, giving mouth to mouth to snakes? What she can do I can do batter. I can do a lot of other things with snakes. People talking about boob-quake? My jhatka-matkas have moved Bihar to UP and UP to West Bangaal. Only Rakhi Sawant, full-full Desi girl deserves to be at Cannes.

Buss aur kya, I sat in the plane. I asked a passenger, Cannes waali plane hain naa? Wake me up when Cannes comes. I am so tired naa, dancing non-stop, acting non-stop, dramabaazi non-stop. But what to do, when you are the Amitabh Bachchan of Indian television: yeh sabh karnaa parta hai.

I have heard Cannes has a film festival, where big-big stars & big-big directors come. I will ask for a full frontal meeting with Martin Scorcee-cee. I can also try for, in your face meeting with Tarantino, the basterd director. Salaa, he is just like me, poor in spellings, calls his film Ingluorious Basterds. He makes dhishum-dhishum movies, I will tell him, you must have a Rakhi item number in your next movie. I also want to ask Russel Crow…arre, why crow, dirty black, ugly bird. Why not Russel Cock, Russel Peacock? So many beautiful-beautiful birds to choose from.

Cannes mein pohunchee, what a weather. I told the taxi driver, open the doors of the windows, let the climate come in. I saw so many film stars. Eva Languriya, the desperate housewife. Natee si, kaali si hai…just like me. Kate Beckinsale wearing white frilly, fluffy dress, like it is her own happy budday party! I ask her, frock sale me liyaa kya? Kate Blanket bhi dikhee. Saree heroines kintnee phikee,phikee, aur mai god kitnee patlee.

Evening I went to this hi-fi restaurant Chez Astoux, I order butter chicken, they look at me as if I am mad. I tell them, kuch bhi le aao. Jeejuzz, the food all raw-raw and moving also. Hai-Hai, you take so much money and can’t even cook I shouted. Later I went to Disco7 for dancing-shancing. Only men? Where are all the women I asked? This is a gay club ma’am, I was told. Haan toh! Women can be gay and very happy. These people, so funny naa.

Next day I want to do some sight-seeing. Go to Nice and Monaco, I was told. Are you making jokes with me? These are biscuits I have with my Chai! How can I go there? Khair Chodo, I tried to have many backside meetings with producer types. All of them too busy uff. I wanted to stand on the rad carpet, nobuddy let me. They still do not know what a great-big star Rakhi Sawant is naa.

Next year, I will have Rakhi ka Swayamwar at Cannes. George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, even Jack Nicholson, all of them will be running after me with garlands. Then photographers will also be running after me for photos.

Chalo jaane do, before leaving me let me go and meet Ash. I heard due to Ash planes not flying in Europe. I wonder how she managed that?