How to Promote Yourself (& Others) Without Driving People Crazy

How to Promote Yourself (& Others) Without Driving People Crazy November 13, 2013

In my online group of women writers, we’ve been discussing Kat Stoeffel’s article on New York Magazine’s “The Cut” blog about women and online self-promotion. Aptly titled “Here’s This Thing I Wrote About Women and Self-Promotion,” Stoeffel’s piece outlines the tension between women needing to promote our work in a freelance, online economy and our discomfort with bold, almost aggressive promotional language that we’ve been taught is unfeminine and unappealing. So we are likely to say, “Here’s this little thing I wrote,” about a piece that required months of work, or endlessly retweet and repost positive reviews of our work, because it’s easier to let someone else speak for the quality of our work instead of speaking for it ourselves. Stoeffel writes,

There’s overwhelming evidence that women lowball their own expertise, relative to men, and even their IQ scores, making them less eager to insert themselves in the debate du jour. Regardless of a woman’s empirical ability, it is only rational for her to play it down, lest she exhibit “gender incongruent” traits — confidence, self-assurance, forcefulness — and be punished socially and economically. Asking women to play like the boys in a male-dominated workplace is one thing. But must we also lean in all over social media? The strategies that have traditionally worked best for women socially — flattery, humility, collaboration — are the antithesis of self-promotion.

The women writers I am close to are all talented and accomplished. Yet we still struggle with feeling that promoting our work is braggy or intrusive. Our conversation about Stoeffel’s article led me to repost something I wrote nearly two years ago, when I was facing heavy self-promotion because my book was about to release. Here is that post in its entirety.


Writers today (particularly nonfiction) must have a robust online presence, particularly if we hope to earn some money by writing. Yet cyberspace is a tricky place. Most writers I know struggle with the same few issues: How to promote our work without being self-absorbed and obnoxious, how to avoid letting our self-worth get caught up in whether commenters like our writing (or not), and how to interact with other writers without being haunted by envy or unhealthy competitiveness. These issues can be of particular concern for Christian writers, because our faith demands that we love others as we do ourselves, put our self-worth firmly in God’s hands, and build up our brothers and sisters.

I think the secret to negotiating these tricky situations is for writers to be good neighbors in cyberspace, thus helping to foster healthy, respectful online communities. Here are four ways (with supporting scriptures even!) that writers can be good online neighbors as we nurture our own careers.

1.         Practice the golden rule.

So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. (Matthew 7:12)

It seems so obvious, but I’m amazed at how often writers (including me) fail to do for other writers what we want for ourselves. What do we want? We want feedback. We want to know if our words make a difference. We want to know if readers agree or disagree. We want energizing debate without personal attacks. We want others to share what we’ve written to help us reach new audiences.

So give others what you most want. Comment on their posts, and not only when you disagree or see an opportunity to market your own book or blog post. Comment even when it’s just to say, “I think this is great. Thanks for writing,” If you don’t think it’s great, model respectful disagreement. Share others’ writing via Facebook, Twitter, and your blog.

2.         Share—because when we share, we all get what we need (i.e., Practice the “loaves and fishes” rule)

Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. (Luke 6:38)

As writers whose careers are built on book sales, page views, and speaking invitations, we have to promote our work. But we don’t want our Facebook followers and blog subscribers to run away screaming because we can’t shut up about ourselves.

The secret to self-promotion that doesn’t drive people crazy (or away) is to give more than you ask for. In the majority of your blog posts, Facebook status updates, and tweets, offer something of value (other than a proclamation that your new book will change their life).

That something of value can be a witty, poignant, or clever observation; a fresh take on an old topic or current news story; a link to someone else’s article, blog post, or book; a moving or funny video; or a tidbit of useful information.

If you get a reputation for sharing useful, thoughtful, engaging content, your self-promotion will become just another way you share good stuff with your audience, rather than an annoyingly constant stream of pleas for attention.

And as you share stuff from other writers, you’ll get the attention of those writers and their audiences, who just may turn around and tell people about the great new resource they found—you.

3.         Self-promote with confidence and honesty.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. (Matthew 7:7)

For me, as a writer who spends significant time each day participating in the blogosphere and social media, it is second nature to share something I like by linking to it on Facebook, writing about it on my blog, or tweeting it. It’s not second nature for everyone. But if you ask for help spreading the word, many of your readers will be happy to oblige. People usually like to be told how they can help.

When you do self-promote, do it boldly. Don’t be coy or clever. Don’t be pleading or self-deprecating. Don’t try to make your self-promotion look like something it’s not. One of my pet peeves is when writers say, “Feel free to like my Facebook page/review my book/share this link.” The expression “feel free” is useful when we’re inviting people to do something they probably want to do, but may hesitate to do because they’re unsure of protocol, as in, “Feel free to raise your hand to ask a question any time.” News flash: People are not sitting by waiting for permission to love your work and shout their love from the rooftops.

If you want people to like your Facebook page, review your book, or tweet your link, ask them to. And don’t try to spin it. Try, “Please post a review of my book on Amazon,” instead of, “You have an opportunity to be one of the first people to review my book on Amazon!”

4.         Stick up for your neighbors.

Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves (Proverbs 31).

(This scripture refers to defending people who don’t have a voice—the poor, needy, and destitute. I’m taking some poetic license to apply it to the blogosphere.)

We’ve all seen comment sections get hijacked by negative commenters who are interested not in informed and respectful debate, but in undermining the blogger’s reputation and maligning their character.

Sometimes hijacking is a coordinated effort. I’ve been subjected to hijacks in which the commenters recruit like-minded folk and then go back to their Facebook pages afterward to give each other virtual high fives. Apparently some people never outgrew junior high. Sometimes things spiral out of control when one or two commenters misinterpret the blogger’s intent or twist his/her words, and then other folks come along who respond primarily to those commenters, rather than to the content of the post.

I’ve learned from hard experience that it’s rarely a good idea to respond directly to these sorts of commenters. They will just take my additional words and twist them. I will come across as defensive and desperate. I feel helpless—unable to speak up for myself as my original post and intentions are lost in the hubbub. I am extremely grateful when one of my writing colleagues or faithful readers speaks up in my defense, so I don’t have to.

So let’s speak up when we see a fellow writer under attack. Remind commenters of what the writer actually said, instead of what their detractors say they said. Model how to disagree with someone’s opinion without accusing him/her of being a terrible Christian/parent/American/writer/person. Name meanness and misinterpretation for what they are.

Speaking up for writers when they can’t speak up for themselves may not do anything to thwart hijackers. In fact, it probably won’t. But it does give writers a tremendous boost at a time when they are feeling helpless and alone.  That’s part of being a good neighbor.

I certainly don’t do all these things all the time. But I strive to be a good neighbor to colleagues and readers, and help build online communities marked by respect, sharing, honesty, and support. Being a good neighbor, and working alongside other good neighbors, makes it easier to learn from negative feedback rather than be damaged by it, rejoice in others’ successes, and cultivate a growing and responsive audience.

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