L O V E?’. I had answered in an honest way that is uniquely me; expressing my voice and hoping to marry my emergent Christian faith with my yogic sensibilities.
No sign of my Joe Longo pic I submitted, no talk of foot washing humility….hmmmm?
The mind begins its judging. First, aimed back at myself for being too “off the wall” and then, after reading the other submissions, aimed at how my answer was wayyyyy more thought-provoking and original. I sat with my disappointment, breath and sadness and actually fell asleep, my head leaning against the steering wheel in the Whole Foods parking lot.
Fast forward two days and I am doing the Pee Wee Herman around the kitchen serving breakfast to my family. My husband jokes to our teens that this is just another example he will use when I am committed. We all laugh and I am thankful for my light heart and free spirit this day.
My normal morning routine continues as I walk my golden in the park. Some days I am lucky enough to get drunk on bird song, hear the leaves applauding life, my life.
This was one of those days.
I had surrendered the ugly and the jealous, the desire for recognition. I was fully present to the J O Y alive in my own heart . I knew there was nothing outside of me that I needed for this moment to be perfect.
In my heart, I know that unless I feel my grief, I have no genuine way of connecting with another in their grief. And we don’t judge the severity of the cause of the grief to recognize it as the same emotion we’ve each been born into feeling. I have a number of things in my life to grieve right now:
- I chose Beyond Asana yoga teacher training specifically because of the service trip component. Our group is scheduled to help build a school in Malawi in January. I have chosen not to go out of respect for my family, although I personally do not fear contracting any diseases. I raised $5000 and am confident this contribution will allow another to go in my place.
- Our 7-month training ends next week and goodbyes bring up the trauma of my abandonment. My father left us when I was two. I have never met him although he lives less than an hour away. I am grateful for the deep healing that has been taking place over the past two years as my first two chakras come into balance through my dedicated practice.
Rumi said, ‘Do not grieve.
Everything you lose
comes around in another form.’
The gift– being dazzled in this F R E E D O M.
Because what I know for sure is: the universal soul exists.
One can be isolated and yet within the corners of the heart, we can touch that place where all humans connect. This love is where the individual and the collective unite. Even a glimpse is enough proof for me to share with my clients, the incarcerated women of the FDC.
If this ordinary wife and mom of average intelligence can glimpse this as reality, they can too. They can find freedom within the walls—-
This is what the saints and mystics mean when they enjoy emptiness. It is the “ultimate other” upholding them with grace and glory.
In my very recognition of my utter imperfect humanness full of desire for fame and recognition and my moments of jealousy, I opened to mystery.
Heaven on earth really does exist.