I Will Testify to Love

I often feel unworthy to write my opinions about things. I know that sounds odd coming from someone who has a personal blog, but it’s true. Having worked with some of the greatest, conservative opinion writers of our day at National Review (and some of the best policy minds at the Heritage Foundation), it’s easy to feel intimidated about putting your thoughts out there when one of them has probably already said it better. But, my husband reminded me yesterday that no one can say what I have to say in the way I will say it. What I write may connect with someone who never read a Jonah Goldberg column — or someone who is personally connected to me but not really into political or spiritual writing in general.

When it comes to spiritual topics, I feel a different kind of inadequacy. Who am I to spout off about God in my life when half the time I’m struggling to kick myself out of discontentment? You may not know it from social media, but I fight a daily battle of anxiety and negativity. I know mentally how blessed I am and that I have no reason to feel “down” but there’s often a depressed portion of me lurking around the corner at every turn. But still, I love Jesus and believe in the promise of His joy, truth and blessings. Too often, I feel that my life doesn’t reflect that light that lives in my heart, but everyday I fight to keep it burning. And everyday I feel defeated, I pick myself back up and try again — because I have the hope and strength of God guiding me that way.

At church, we sang “Overwhelmed”:

I see the work of Your Hands
Galaxies spin in a Heavenly dance oh God
All that You are is so overwhelming

I hear the sound of Your Voice
All at once it’s a gentle and thundering noise oh God
All that You are is so overwhelming

I delight myself in You
Captivated by Your beauty
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

God, I run into Your arms
Unashamed because of mercy
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

I know the power of Your Cross
Forgiven and free forever You’ll be my God
And all that You’ve done is so overwhelming

I started melting into tears when I considered how…overwhelmed I was by God’s love for me and His grace that covers ALL of me that’s not enough. I always feel “less than” in my attitudes and emotions, in my actions and responses, but then I remember that it’s okay to relax in that imperfection. Because I live for something bigger than me and there’s a hope that far outlives this day or this year or this lifetime.

I remembered all the things that I worry about constantly — work, health, my marriage, writing, my kids, people all over the world suffering that feel impossible to help — are sitting right there in God’s hands already. And I live in a story SO much bigger than the few decades of life I will get on this earth.

And I’m starting to realize that my story IS inadequate and that’s why I do need Jesus — and why I’m so thankful I have him. I don’t have a great testimony of redemption or overcoming like my husband does. But I have a living, breathing testimony that lives to remain in the fight for loving others and loving Jesus until the day that I die. I have a legacy of falling down and getting back up. I have a journey of footprints in the sand — sometimes two sets, sometimes one — but always finding my way back to the foundation that is there below me.

It’s not a neat little package with a bow on it. It’s me trying, failing, trying again, working with what I can in the moment that I have it — and believing I’m forgiven and beloved.

I just want to testify to God’s love, no matter anything else.