Why do we keep our 1st trimester pregnancies a secret?

This subject strikes me as particularly controversial, so a preface seems in order.  Let me first say, I do not think it is wrong to keep a 1st trimester pregnancy a secret.  I do not particularly agree with it, but I also believe in the great mantra “to each her own.”   This blog is meant to explore this particularly American phenomenon.  As with anything else we adopt simply because “everyone else is,” I think we should think critically about every decision we make.  This hiding-the-preggo issue in particular caught my fancy quite simply because it’s not “me,” at all.  With that, here goes…

In 2005, my hubby & I eagerly began trying for our 1st little nugget.  To our amazement, one month was all it took.  On the day I found out I called my mom, my sis, my best friends & a few co-workers.  This was of course before I joined facebook, but I’m sure I would have announced it there as well.  Within 3 days a miscarriage began.  Then I called them all back begging them to pray for the life of my 1st baby.  After two days, heavy cramping, bleeding & a hospital ultrasound confirmed the worst I called back my friends to let them know.  One of my good friends said, “see, that’s why your not supposed to tell everyone.”  Gee, thanks.  It was a hurtful thing for me to hear, and -as you can imagine- not particularly helpful.  The last thing a woman who has just had a miscarriage wants to hear is anything she’s done wrong.  One might conclude I would have been regretful sharing our 1st trimester pregnancy with so many people so early.  Nope.  I wasn’t in the slightest bit.  Perhaps, only  a little regretful that I’d allowed myself to be vulnerable with a good friend who was that insensitive.

Over the next few months, my friends were a strong support system for me.  I was so glad my family knew.  We also shared the miscarriage with others and as the community came around us with love, care -even dinners- we were grateful for people to walk through the hard parts of life with us.

So, why do we keep it a secret?  What I’ve heard is, is that you don’t want to have to go back and tell everyone later if youv’e lost the baby.  I’ve also heard it can be hard if people come back who don’t know and ask “how’s the baby?” only for you to have to say, “I lost it.”  There could be more reasons… write your responses below.

My thought is this:  Why wouldn’t we come back later to tell everyone we’ve lost the baby?  Is there any other hardship in life we try to keep secret from others?  If so, is it appropriate?  Is it terrible to tell everyone that you have cancer, battle depression, have a terminable illness?  Yes.  It is also terrible to tell everyone youv’e lost a child.  Are not they all a part of life?  Aren’t all of those things horrible to communicate?  Should any of them be kept secret at any time?  (Again, I’m asking the questions to you).

When any of us (human beings in general) go through anything particularly awful don’t we want the love and support of our community around us?  I do think the stakes are higher on this matter for Christian woman.  It doesn’t strike me as particularly biblical an idea to keep a potentially painful idea from the Christian community who values you.  I could see if maybe there was some sort of passage which reflects this thinking, but I just don’t see it.  I see the keeping secret our 1st trimester pregnancies as a purely cultural construct.

With that, I’m 7 weeks pregnant.  I must admit, I was slightly tempted to incorporate this cultural phenom into my thinking.  I was -and still am- praying to God that I won’t lose this precious little ‘lentil bean.’  (the size of my sweet little one right now).  However, I, Grace Biskie, have no ability to keep secrets.  Within 5 minutes I emailed school friends, called best friends & of course told Dave.  Within two weeks I realized I had told about 75 people with my own mouth even though I’d planned to keep it from facebook & my blog until at least week 10.  Though the sharing of sensitive information does spread a lot faster, again is it any reason to hide from reality that life is hard and crappy things happen?  (Again, wondering what you think here).

So, what now?  What I do lose the baby?  Will I regret sharing it on facebook and my blog and with all my IV co-workers and all my new school friends and all my family & friends?  Nope.  I won’t.  I do know myself, and I know that I will greatly appreciate your calls, hugs, love & support in the event of ANY tradgedy that would befall me & my family.  But you also have to know yourself.  If your the type of woman who would feel absolutely anxiety filled to have share with everyone that youv’e miscarried, then by all means keep it a secret.  

But, ladies, let’s never do anything “just because,” let’s think through what our culture tells us & know exactly why we are or aren’t doing or saying something.