fearless…not really.

I’ll cut to the chase on this blog because frankly, I’m exhausted.  Besides pregnancy insomnia which kept me up from 2-5am last night, I’ve had a heck of an emotional day.

Unfortunately, I can’t share with you blogging friends the details, only that someone I love is facing something really difficult and I feel terribly helpless, as do they.

Sitting in church today I was reflecting on being “fearless.”  I’ve been known as more of a risk-taker than the cautious type which often gets unfairly subscribed to my sweet hubby.

There is another situation in my life -also too personal for this setting, sorry- where I am feeling particularly fearless.  This decision I’d like to make independently and without counsel without regard of consequence.  However, the people it affects prevents me from doing so.  Which leaves me feeling trapped and well, helpless.

The point is, in the first situation I feel very fearful which leads to helplessness and in the 2nd situation I feel fearless which also leads to helplessness.  What gives?

There is also a 3rd situation, which I can share! 😉  Dave & I are trying to decide whether or not to keep Ransom back in pre-school with the 3’s class because of his speech impediment.  The fact that he’s often hard to understand could give him a lot of issues with the 4’s class -especially since he’d still be 3 yrs. for the first two months of the year.

No shocker, I’d rather take the risk & believe he’ll catch up not wanting him to experience the boredom of going through curriculum he’s all ready been through.  Dave, being more cautious than me wants the opposite.  (By the way mother of toddlers, if you have any advice on this, I’d really appreciate it).

Even this Ransom pre-school decision, which seems small in comparison to these bigger issues makes me wonder, what is it about me that leads me to make decisions which are all-things-considered riskier?

Like my wanting to galavant off to Africa earlier this year with Nick Kristoff (yes, of the NY Times) while pregnant, to live amongst the destitute for a week & blog about it later at NYTimes.com.  I ended up losing the competition but of the 8 people I asked for advise only 2 thought I should apply!  I was so salty!  (Thank you Jean & Phil!)

After all, it was my risk-taking ways that lead me to spend a summer in Detroit doing urban ministry, or a summer in Kenya doing relief work and a summer doing intense leadership training.  Those were the best summers of my life!

It was my risk-taking that lead me to have awesome experiences doing the Body-for-Life body building

competition, or running a marathon or marrying Dave for crying out loud. 🙂

It was risk-taking that brought about some signicant ministry on campus and which leads to many cute hairstyles.  Because at the end of the day, the things I’m fearless about often produce the greatest results. (So, ladies NEVER be afraid to cut your hair off).

And without a healthy sense of fearlessness, risk-taking & bravery how on earth am I ever going to write an honest memoir??? You tell me that.

As my husband Dave would likely point out, it was my risk taking that lead to us losing $1,000 in a modeling scam, or almost falling prey to a snake financial advisor & being the victims of identity theft & also having our home robbed.  Yep, you win some & you lose some.  I’ve definetly lost big in my risk-taking, but I feel genuinely euphoric in the rewards I’ve reaped from fearlessness or action-through-fear otherwise known as bravery.

So, as I face these two big decisions, and one toddler pre-school decision I’m weighing all of this and feeling positively scared to make the wrong choice in each decision.  Knowing each one requires a certain amount of bravery, which honestly I feel like I just don’t have the emotional reserve for right now.

My Godfather, John always says prayer is… “helplessness.”  My prayer for today.