Just like the next human being, sometimes I think life is completely crappy, not worth it and seriously over-rated.
(I mean, c’mon God? You could not. be. serious with this whole life-is-great thing)
One of those times happened to be in the last two weeks.
(and then a few months before that…
and a few months before that as well).
To sum it up, in a lot of ways this whole year has kind of sucked. Not in the I’m-unhappy-with-my-life-or-my-circumstances kind of way.
More in the depression-post-partum-depression-baby-blues-body-fat-breastfeeding-issues-pre-menstrual-dysphoric-disorder kind of way.
It’s been tough. I think NO ONE knows what it’s like to transition from 1 kid to 2 until it happens to you.
And that’s the thing…
it HAPPENS to you.
It’s like your climbing up a mountain completely excited for this new adventure, you get to the top, catch a glimpse of the view and then you start crumbling down along with the rockslide, mud, dirt & the whole mountain as well. It’s happens. You couldn’t stop the avalanche if you wanted to.
So on top of the avalanche that HIT me, the post-partum junk SMACKED ME UPSIDE MY HEAD, the body issues followed & the tears rolled down like a teen mourning for her one true love.
(Don’t worry this is going to end up hopeful)!
In the midst of all that, I’ve been UP & DOWN, BACK & FORTH about whether or not I can handle my job with InterVarsity (let alone my insane expectations for myself to keep writing a book while getting my M.Div degree).
At the bottom of the mountain: a crumpled mess, I’ve been a completely unmotivated, crappy InterVarsity staff worker.
When I met with my supervisor, Fred the other day I told him if he wanted to fire my triflin’ butt I’d totally understand. Fred has to be the most gracious, wise, godly wonderful supervisor on the planet so he was kind, patient, loving, forgiving, stern & reasonable.
((((((((((hugs to Fred)))))))))
After meeting with “Fredders” I had a great day of work and experienced some renewed joy and hope regarding my job.
All summer I have been feeling like a big giant cog in the InterVarsity machine. Wondering if my cog really is keeping the engine running or just jamming up all the parts.
(I.E. Am I really making a difference or just repeating not to have pre-marital sex over & over & over & over
But after that meeting, I felt like an important cog. Fred reminded me of why I’m doing this after all.
At the end of the day, don’t I want to be a significant part of advancing the Kingdom that Jesus so articulately (if not frustratingly with all those doggone parables that I am notoriously annoyed by) claimed he was ushering in?You know that Kingdom right?
The one where all people get along. People like me and let’s say, um, just for example: Glenn stupid, ignorant, mean, Beck.
The one where there are no “cancer survivors” because no one gets cancer! Or any other sickness.
The one where I am FREE from the horrors of being a total tool the week before a visit from Aunt Flo.
The one where the earth is is working order and doesn’t shake Haiti or anywhere else into debilitating destruction.
I can’t say I fully understand what Jesus was talking about when he said the Kingdom of God was on it’s way.
I defintely can’t explain what it means that it’s here now but it’s also coming fully… soon enough.
All I know is that I follow Jesus and he said the Kingdom was worth sacrificing everything for in order to be a part of it.
I also know Jesus said the Kingdom of God was like a mustard seed.
Isn’t that precious?
What’s a modern day doggone mustard seed y’all?
That’s what I am
A freaking cog.
I’m a functional, if not a bit rusty, cog.
A grateful cog.
A scared cog.
A worrisome cog.
But a useful cog to have around sometimes.
Yea, so sometimes I need some fine-tuning…
I suppose every year (or at the very least every year that I have a baby after returning from a year long sabbatical) I’ll need to re-evaluate where my cog will do it’s best work.
If God tells me to be an insignificant cog in the InterVarsity machine for the rest of my days, than that is exactly what I plan to do.
Because though I’d tried to convince myself I should hop on over to Hobby Lobby in search of a “normal” job with “normal” people and “normal” hours & “normal” amounts of travel for “normal” pay…
I still love (adore, cherish & treasure) students.