I am losing something.
It’s not someone but it is something very important me. It’s something that I love very deeply and it’s going away.
In the midst of this loss, something else –with great value to me– has been fighting for it’s life too.
I’ve been crying about that too.
In fact, there is very little I don’t cry about it: YouTube video’s, commercials, small dead animals on the side of the road.
I’m an equal opportunity cry-er, nowadays. A big, fat cry baby is all I am.
My emotions have been all. over. the. place. I haven’t put up the balloons and made the mix tape but basically my pity party has come. I’ve been up at night crying, journaling, worrying, unable to sleep because I’m in this almost-dead-but-not-dead-yet state of loss.
So. I have cursed God. Yelled (mostly in my head), swore, threatened, sulked. Like an obnoxious, angry, strung out teenager I have been mad at God like he reigned down fire on me or something. I’ve been complaining like it aint nobody’s business and if I were God I would have smitten me by now. For reals.
This isn’t my usual posture. I’ve loved and lost a good number of times in these last 16 years since following Jesus, but very rarely have I turned on God, blamed God, yelled at God, cursed God. I’ve had better responses. Yet, I wonder if this time is an indication of a deeper trust in God I didn’t even know exists in my heart: that sense of trust so profound I know I can tell him to screw himself and He still won’t leave me. And I did say that, and He didn’t leave me.
It’s kind of like my little Rhysie. He treats me the worst of ANYONE in his life. I get the attitude, the kicks, swats, bites and tantrums 10 x’s as much as his peers, his brother or his Daddy. Rhysie has my heart. He knows with certainty in his tiny 2 yr. old brain that Mama loves him and won’t leave him. He tests me.
I test God.
While I have vacillated between a piss-poor attitude and wildly inappropriate anger outbursts at God I been acting a lot like Job’s wife who counseled her husband to curse God when he lost his livelihood, his home and ALL HIS CHILDREN. But Job wouldn’t. And here I am cursing God, and I have lost one thing.
Just one thing.
Oh Lord, forgive me. I know not what I do or even who I am.
My oh my, how things can change so quickly. Last night I was lying wide awake from 3am – 6am telling God my woeful sorrows when I realized some things.
I realized that in the last three days I have…
…been randomly given 2 free tickets to see Men in Black 3D at a local IMAX theatre. (which I go see tonight)!
…won a blog giveaway for a fun activity set I can gift to R1.
…won another blog giveaway for a book I REALLY wanted but felt like I couldn’t afford to splurge on.
…been offered an opportunity to write & BE PUBLISHED for an anthology of which it is a tremendous honor to be considered for.
…booked my first real client as I plan to pursue life coaching, mentoring and consulting as part of a new career path.
…added a paid sponsor to my blog.
…got a big hug from R2 as he excitedly said “I WUV you, Mama,” and I didn’t even need to tell him to say it first!
A level of suffering has become my new normal. Yet, it makes the aforementioned list bring a fresh wave of gratitude. They are ordinary things, but they are God’s graces to me. They represent something to me…these “little” things that God knows I think about.
I am humbled.
Humbled down to my bones.
So humbled I wish someone would smack me across my face, stuff me in a box and ship me off to the middle of the ocean where I’d die of hypothermia, severe anxiety and hunger.
I totally deserve that.
But, God is not like that. Instead he offers me all of this! (Even better than my list).
I am His daughter.
His deeply loved daughter.
Do you ever have allow yourself to be angry at God: to get honest and real with yourself and God?