I Am At Peace

After years & years

of angst & soul crushing sorrow,

I am at peace.

What I’ve been through to get here…

…seems downright unmentionable.

Peace born from resolve,

is greater than happiness.

But also, surprisingly there’s happiness too!

I am so in love with my husband.

My boys are priceless, rowdy treasures.

And the joy of a bonus daughter?

What four on earth could be more beautiful?

I’d give them the sun, moon, stars & the ocean,

each & every one.

There’s something different about this love I’m receiving,

this love I’m giving…

its overflowing & going out

wildly.

I’m softening to enemies,

previous abusers

and just regular old shitty, inconsistent friends.

This love is overflowing & going out

wildly.

I’m learning to practice this: love anyway.

I’m rejecting petty,

because, God’s daughter.

I’m longing for peace & reconciliation,

in new, in confusing ways.

I don’t know the “how” just yet,

let me live,

let me learn.

Also? My circle. My girls.

I’d give all my toes & pinky’s too for those babes.

When you know you would have died

without their love and support,

when you know others left

inexplicably, when you needed them the most…

The circle got smaller,

but grew in depth.

Look.

Here’s what I know for sure…

Restitution is real.

Healing happens slowly.

Healing requires dangerous curiosity.

You must resolve to choose hope,

over & over again.

You must seek to conceptualize what God knows of value.

The evolution of unforced happiness isn’t guaranteed.

The gift of God’s mercy is beyond comprehension.

I’ve fought hard for this killer combination,

I couldn’t be more grateful.

I couldn’t be more full.

I’m alive to see another day,

after many…

…wounded.

…weary.

…wired.

…wrought.

I’ve been deeply hurt. Traumatized actually.

I’ve deeply hurt you, him, her, them.

Deeply.

Deep breaths have been taken…

One thousand tears have been shed…

forgiveness still lingers…

there’s more work to do…

(there’s always more work to do)

I haven’t arrived anywhere,

but I show up for the journey.

The full-on pursuit of understanding beckons daily,

the effort of healing,

the miracle of emotional & physical therapy finds me tired, but resolved.

The risk to love, to trust again has been given to God.

The words of promise have been uttered,

I do.

You do?

Because I do too!

We do.

When it all adds up, the love overflows.

Isn’t that what love is supposed to do?

No one survives trauma by themselves.

No one survives themselves by themselves.

Thank you, God.

Thank you, Dionne, my Love, my Heart.

Thank you, Ransom, Rhys & H.

Thank you, Jeanie.

Thank you, You. You know if you stayed…or not.

Thank you, to those who’ve showed

empathy & grace

while it was still confusing.

Thank you for loving me.

No, thank you for SAVING me.

I am at peace.

I Am at Peace