Supporting Friends & Family Who Have Cancer: Jim Henley

A lot of these “what not to say/do” lists strike me as… less “actual advice you might use” and more “venting about how nothing anyone says or does will actually fix the problem, everything anyone tries to say can be in its own way painful and humiliating” (which is totally true and important) but this one is not like that.

Warning: Long.

I have cancer right now! Here are a few dos and don’ts based on my personal experience. I am sure you’ll find my preferences are not universal, but they seem to be relatively widely shared among cancer patients.

A few Do’s:

1. ASK how you can help. Then do those things if you are able and willing. No point in dropping off today’s twelfth casserole when there are surely genuinely useful things you could do instead.
2. If you can afford it and are moved to do so, offer money. Naturally we will demur at least once. But we probably need money. Cancer (in the USA) is expensive. This might end up as Amazon gift certificates or motel room fees for visiting relatives. Cab fare. Just a nice dinner out. Or it might be as general as “Here’s $500. put it to good use.” Grocery-store gift cards, especially places that deliver, are always good. (NB: I’m doing fine money-wise just now. This is not a back-door solicitation.)
3. Offer to do specific, time-consuming things that will ease the lives of patients and caregivers. Then do them. Babysitting. Dog-walking. Cat-feeding. Transportation. Oh yes transportation. A lot of people don’t realize that a typical radiation patient has to go to the facility at least once a day for 2 to 6 weeks. That’s 10-30 trips someone has to make, and it shouldn’t be the patient, and the patient’s primary caregiver – if she’s lucky enough to have one – can use a break.
4. Do ask how we are doing and express whatever honest sympathy you have. We all differ here, and few of us want to dwell exclusively on our illness, but it’s the central fact of our lives while it’s going on. We will both feel absurd if we don’t acknowledge it, and avoiding the issue will be exhausting.

Now some Don’ts: …