It has been said that marriage and family life are a crucible. Life’s challenges turn up the heat and the pressure fundamentally changes us.
As reflect on my six decades of life, to say that things did not turn out the way I expected would be an understatement.
I approached both marriage and motherhood with incredible idealism. I was sure I would have the greatest marriage and my kids would rise up and call me blessed (Proverbs 31:28). Now, I am grateful that they at least speak to me – on occasion.
I believed my marriage would last ’til death do us part. Our children would bless us with grandchildren and they would all come home for Sunday dinners.
The way it turned out? Definitely different.
Because I never thought I would have kids (secondary infertility), I cherished the idea of motherhood and even called it my “divine appointment.” I have mostly adopted kids who I mostly homeschooled.
Homeschooling Reflections
Homeschooling moms compare themselves and measure their worth by how well their family is managed. The goal is to turn out perfect little human beings. Even though I was a very active member of that community, writing books and speaking at homeschool conventions, when my family started to experience issues and problems, that same community shunned me.
Aspiring to have a perfect family life and a perfect marriage puts you under a lot of pressure.
My first clue that the pressure was killing me was when I landed in a 3-week inpatient program for depression. At that time, my then-husband (or, as one author quipped, my wasband) had been diagnosed with cancer and was quite ill. Some of the issues of my children were beginning to surface. The future did not look bright. In fact, it looked dreadful.
Self-sabotage?
Therapy allowed me to examine my patterns of sabotage. No marriage is perfect and no children are perfect. We are all imperfect people. Unfortunately, it takes time to realize this.
Sometimes dedication to children and family can lead to an unhealthy dependence on them. When they struggled, I died a little inside. My flaw was my inability to let go to allow them to try and fail, to fly high and crash hard. My attempts to fix people and make them happy were misguided… and sad.
Identity
Another factor leading to my disillusionment had to do with defining my identity. My identity as a mom was so tied up in the drama of family life that I lost myself.
While juggling the issues of many children with many issues, the marriage died a little with each crisis we faced. Could we have done it differently? Some couples survive great tragedy. Others fold into their own bitterness and disappointment.
Family therapy could have probably helped had we chosen it early on, but we didn’t. It disintegrated to such an extent that I have to go through an attorney to speak to my ex, who lives on the other side of the country, about the ongoing issues of our now adult children.
The kids grew up and on. The marriage failed. Shared struggle failed to knit us together. The statistics for marriage survival for couples facing the issues we faced are grim. Only the strongest can survive the major challenges we faced, and we turned out to be depressingly average.
What Will I Remember?
I will cherish the good times, the joy I experienced with the privilege of raising my children. I will cherish the growth in wisdom and patience that blessed my challenges.
I will forever remain grateful for the many miracles of my life – the arrival of children, the many fun experiences we had together, the growth we all experienced because of the crucible of family life.
Through the tears and the pain, the doubts and the uncertainty – it was worth it and I wouldn’t change a thing.
I’m a marriage and motherhood survivor. I’m still standing and I’m OK – better than OK. I’m blessed.
The path to this point is not for the faint of heart. Only for those who can place their trust in a God who functions outside of our understanding.
Ad-Free & Subscriber Log-In