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A conversation with my friend Stormy (not to be confused with my professional acquaintance of the same name).
Stormy: “So you know [our mutual friends] Fritz and Richard?”
Me: “Yes! They’re great. Did they ever start dating?”
Stormy: “They’re no longer speaking to each other.”
Me: “In which case I withdraw the question. What happened?”
Stormy: “They got in a terrible argument during a Sunday brunch, and the situation just kind of escalated. At this point, they’re both demanding retribution.”
Me: “Wow. Never underestimate the dark power of bottomless mimosas.”
Stormy: “I know, right? Anyway, Fritz is threatening to put a curse on Richard.”
Me: “Wait… what?”
Stormy: “He said he’s going to call you to learn how to do that.”
Me: “Oh, shit.”
Stormy: “Why do you look like you’re about to throw up? Please don’t throw up on me.”
Me: “I gave Richard a book on cursing.”
Stormy: “What?! Why would you do that?”
Me: “He was feuding with his condo association and asked to borrow it. It seemed like a reasonable request at the time.”
Stormy: “Why do you even have books on cursing?”
Me: “How have you never met me?”
Stormy: “Oh. Touché.”
Me: “You’re welcome.”
Stormy: “So basically, what I’m hearing is that if Fritz tries to put a curse on Richard…”
Me: “… Richard will turn around and try to put a curse on Fritz.”
Stormy: “And then they’ll both blame you.”
Me: “Okay, not where my mind went, but that would also be bad.”
Stormy: “What should we do?”
Me: “Well, if Fritz calls…”
Stormy: “Not if. When. Vengeance is his natural resting state.”
Me: “Right. When Fritz calls, I’ll tell him that we need to do a reading first. And then, regardless of what actually comes up, I’ll be like, ‘Oh, look, it’s the Simmer Down card crossing the Reconciliation card, with the Call Your Therapist card as the final outcome.”
Stormy: “Do you think that’ll work?”
Me: “Depends. Does Fritz know anything about cartomancy?”
Stormy: “Not that I’m aware of.”
Me: “Then we’re golden.”
Stormy: “Awesome. Except… what if Richard tries to put a curse on Fritz first?”
Me: “Like, without knowing that Fritz wants to put a curse him, he decides all on his own to pull out the book and start flinging hexes?”
Stormy: “Yeah. Something like that. What then?”
Me: “Hmm. Okay. Here’s the plan. I’ll do preemptive protective work on both of them, just to diffuse any potential cursing. And when Fritz calls, I’ll give him the pre-scripted reading to steer him away from retaliation.”
Stormy: “And if Richard calls?”
Me: “If Richard calls, I’ll suggest that it would be better to let me handle the cursing, since I allegedly know what I’m doing. And then I’ll call him back and be all, “Oop! The cards say No Cursing Today.'”
Stormy: “You know, I sincerely appreciate all of this, but it’s also starting to feel like a lot of extraneous effort on your part.”
Me: “Eh. I’m honestly kind of used to it. It’s like part and parcel of being the witch of the social circle.”
Stormy: “I guess that makes sense. Still a lot of labor, though.”
Me: “Yeah. It can be a weight sometimes.”
Stormy: “Remember back when you were just the slutty one? I feel like your life was a lot less complicated then.”
Me: “Agreed, my good man. Agreed.”
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