The following is a guest post by Richard Jacobson.
Enjoy!
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Through a very tragic circumstance, I was reminded of what good friends look like. My mom died just a few months ago. It was very sudden and quite unexpected. Our family was truly devastated and our friends were incredibly saddened. Almost everyone we knew extended words of sympathy. And their condolences always ended with the same offer: “If you or your family need anything, let us know.”
I don’t know how many times I’ve said those exact same words to someone who was facing a personal trial or tragedy. But after being on the receiving end, I now realize something. Sometimes you’re just not in the right headspace to ask for help. When you’re in the midst of real loss, you may not even know what you need, much less know how to articulate it.
That’s why I was blown away by our friends who didn’t ask for permission, who didn’t wait for me to call before they jumped in to help our family during our time of crisis. That’s not to say I wasn’t touched by everyone who extended sincere offers to help, if only I would ask. But I was especially humbled by those who showed up without needing to be asked.
One couple actually came by my mom’s memorial service on their way to the hospital. Both the husband and the wife were dealing with some serious health issues but they insisted on being there for me and my family. They even made us an amazing home cooked meal the following week, despite having difficulty just walking around their own kitchen!
Talk about raising the bar. Such acts of kindness reminded me that being a truly good friend is all about going out of your way for another person, not just saying a few kind words. That’s not to say words don’t matter. Even a little kindness can go a long way. But the old cliche is true: actions speak louder than words.
Our family was fortunate to have more than a few good friends during a time when we really needed good friends. But I don’t want to waste their example by only applying it to those really dramatic moments in life, those times when someone is going through a major victory or loss. I’ve also been reminded how important it is to be there in the day-to-day, to make small sacrifices of time and effort, to be intentional in everyday acts of friendship.
If you want to do the same, might a suggest a very small but practical starting point? Though this isn’t always the case, we often use nice-sounding words to absolve ourselves of taking any real action. Much like we use the phrase, “Call me if you need anything,” to absolve ourselves during life’s big moments, we sometimes use the phrase, “We should get together some time,” to absolve ourselves in day-to-day life.
So, the next time you run into an old friend and you realize you should probably connect more, don’t end that encounter by saying, “We should get together some time.” Instead of stopping with good intentions, take real action. Pull out your calendar and say, “We should go ahead and schedule it or else it will never happen.” Whether they can commit right then and there or not, they will realize you are a doer, not a talker. They will know you are a real friend.
Richard Jacobson is an author, artist and former full-time pastor. He is the creator of the animated video and cartoon blog Church Anarchist (churchanarchist.com/intro) which questions the way we do church today. And he is the author of the upcoming book Unchurching: Escaping Churchianity and Pursuing Spiritual Community. (churchanarchist.com/unchurching)
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