These Latter days…

I thought I’d send out an update, of sorts. Tomorrow (LP day 23) I am going to the doctor who will hopefully give me a blood test which will tell me whether I’m pregnant or just broken.

I’ve waiting nearly 2 weeks for a period which has yet to arrive, and have taken 6 negative pregnancy tests. If I wasn’t charting, and didn’t know which day I ovulated on, I would just assume that I hadn’t ovulated, and keep waiting to get my period. But because I know (+ or – about 2 days) when I ovulated, and therefore also know when I should have gotten my period, and also know that it is entirely possible I am pregnant, I am perplexed as to what could be causing a missed period, pregnancy symptoms and a negative test result.

Meet Mr. Ovarian Cyst. He does, in fact, mimic pregnancy symptoms, and causes missed periods, yet would also cause negative pregnancy test results.

Upon learning about Mr. Ovarian Cyst, I thought to myself, “oh no. He (meaning God) wouldn’t do that to me. Not after he took Michael.” No God who loves His creature would, for lack of a better word, tease a TTC woman into thinking she’s pregnant, only to give her a worthless cyst.

Or would He? I mean, I’d certainly like to believe that God loved His son, and look how that worked out for Him. This does not make me hopeful.

Maybe you think I lack faith. Maybe I do. But I keep remembering the day after I found out that I miscarried. I keep remembering the crippling pain that had me feeling lower than just about anything else I’ve experienced, including my mother’s death and my father’s abandonment.

This skepticism on my part about the goodness of God’s will might seem like a lack of faith to many of you. It probably is. But right now, I’m calling it self-preservation. If I don’t have any hopes about tomorrow, then they can’t be destroyed.

Even this doesn’t completely capture how I’m feeling tonight. But music, I’ve found, can capture the truth of any emotion.

I know I should feel like this: