The Meaning of Marriage – Tim Keller

Wise and Wonderful, Profound and Practical

Marriage is clearly a troubled institution in American culture, and that includes even among American Christians. The problem is that so often Christians have accepted the world’s definitions of marriage. While many Christian books have been written on marriage, Tim Keller’s “The Meaning of Marriage” is one of the best.

What makes “The Meaning of Marriage” so excellent? At least four things. First, Keller gives a vision for marriage. His main reason for writing the book, in fact, was to give both Christians and non-Christians a vision for marriage. What is Keller’s vision for marriage? Keller writes, concerning the meaning of marriage, that “It is for helping each other to become our future glory-selves, the new creations that God will eventually make us.” More than this, Keller (in Chapter 6) relates marriage not only to “the dance of the Trinity” but also to Christ’s love of the stranger (Chapter 5).

The second reason “The Meaning of Marriage” is so excellent is that Keller bases his views on the Bible. Time and again, instead of turning to what the world teaches about marriage, Keller returns to the Bible, especially Ephesians 5. While Keller begins with the Bible, he does more than just quote Scripture: he unlocks its meaning and applies it to our lives. This is what makes his teaching on writing so profound and powerful. While he doesn’t cover every possible topic, he does give a theological vision for marriage that will change your marriage for the better or better prepare you for marriage in the future.

Third, in presenting a biblical view of marriage, Keller directly challenges the worldly views of marriage, including many that have infected the Church. Among the most popular of these myths is that we should be looking for our “soul mate,” in the sense of finding someone we’re presently in love with. This view minimizes the importance of the hard work that goes into marital love. Keller also rightly rebukes the idea that we should not go into marriage expecting to change the other person. To the contrary, marriage is precisely for the purpose of sanctifying one another, and Keller demonstrates some of the many reasons why marriage is such a powerful means of sanctification for Christian spouses. Keller takes on many other myths as well, for example, the idea that marriage is primarily for self-fulfillment, instead of mutual sanctification and becoming one with another.

Fourth, “The Meaning of Marriage” is both readable and practical. Keller’s ideas are rooted in theology but are written in a very readable prose. Most importantly, his book is eminently practical. While it’s not a “How To” manual and doesn’t give you every detail, he does amply illustrate and explain his major ideas on marriage. So practical is “The Meaning of Marriage” that it’s applicable not only to Christian spouses but also non-Christian spouses and Christian singles.  He has, for example, a chapter on a theology of singleness (Chapter 7).

There are many profound insights in the book. There was little that was new to me as a priest and as a husband who has worked every day on his marriage for 18 years. But there were still many revelations and “Aha!” moments that reminded me of what it was all about and encouraged me to love my wife to an even greater degree. As I’m writing this, she’s out of town on a business trip (which she never takes). I can’t wait for her to return so that I can begin immediately putting into practice some of the things Keller has taught me.

Here are some of his best insights:

1. You never marry the right person. No 2 people are compatible. For this reason, marriage takes a lot of love and work. Also, marriage profoundly changes us!

2. Two-thirds of unhappy marriages will become happy within five years if people stay married. Keller uses this to demonstrate the power of making and keeping a vow. Promising is the key to identity and is the very essence of marital love.

3. Actions of love lead to feelings of love.

4. Marriage is a friendship, and friendship must have constancy, transparency, and a common passion, which, for Christians, should especially be Christ.

5. Each spouse should see the great thing that Jesus is doing in the life of their mate through the Word. And each spouse should then give himself of herself to be a vehicle for this work of God.

6. Your spouse IS the “someone better” you’re looking for! This is true if you see him or her in terms of the glory God intends for them, a work to which you are called.

There’s much, much, more, and each chapter holds its delights and wisdom for the reader. I highly recommend both “The Meaning of Marriage,” as well as “The Mystery of Marriage” by Mike Mason!

Keller presents his teaching on marriage, based on a sermon series of his, in the following chapters:

1. The Secret of Marriage – how marriage and the gospel relate

2. The Power for Marriage – submitting to one another out of love

3. The Essence of Marriage – covenantal commitment

4. The Missionof Marriage – marriage and mutual sanctification

5. Loving the Stranger – the power of love (all 4 kinds)

6. Embracing the Other – man and wife as one flesh; the Trinity as a model for marriage

7. Singleness and Marriage

8. Sex and Marriage

Epilogue and Appendix (Decision Making and Gender Roles)