60 Things She's Learned the Hard Way

I wouldn’t be a writer today if it wasn’t for my friend and mentor Rebecca Christian, a Renaissance-woman-extraordinaire who has taught me much about life as well as writing. In her most-recent column in the Dubuque Telegraph Herald, she offered this list:

On the occasion of a decade-breaking birthday, I offer 60 things I’ve learned the hard way. 

1. Few occasions are worthy of shapewear.

2. In this world you must be oh so smart, or oh so pleasant. For years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. (Elwood P. Dowd)

3. Don’t try to understand the opposite sex. Just enjoy it.

4. With kids, don’t count to three unless you know what happens at four.

5. Two things are worth staying up for: a troubled friend and a good book.

6. Perfectionism is procrastination in disguise.

7. Don’t talk ugly. (Mom)

8. One bathroom is enough; it promotes cooperation.

9. You’re only as happy as your saddest kid.

10. Better to go to bed mad than to stay up ranting.

11. If you hear the same criticism from multiple sources, it’s true.

12. Don’t be humble; you’re not that great. (Golda Meir)

13. Your first instinct is right.

14. A smile is a free facelift.

15. 90 days same as cash = debt + interest in 90 days.

16. If they’re selling sumpin, it ain’t a party.

17. Do what you were born to do.

18. Expectation is the route to all heartache. (Shakespeare)

19. Everybody needs one friend they can call any time of the day or night.

20. The rate of return for reading to kids is better than the stock market.

21. Grandkids are worth every ache, wrinkle and bunion.

22. No matter how cynical you become, it’s never enough to keep up. (Lily Tomlin)

23. Nothing makes you look more pathetic than young people’s slang — except hotpants.

24. Love your country.

25. Avoid foods your great-grandparents wouldn’t recognize.

26. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. (Maya Angelou)

27. Never ask a woman if she’s pregnant.

28. The sun will come out tomorrow. (Annie)

29. Addiction trumps character. If the Pope drank a fifth of vodka, he wouldn’t act like the Pope.

30. Things not to buy cheap: toilet paper and tape.

31. If you find yourself saying, “I don’t mean to offend you,” you’re about to.

32. Know the janitor’s name as well as the CEO’s.

33. Time with old folks and little kids is well spent.

34. There is no try, only do. (Yoda)

35. Never follow “I’m sorry” with “but.”

36. I can be distracted by love, but eventually I get horny for my creativity. (Gilda    Radner)

37. Disable call waiting except for emergencies.

38. If your butt smiles, your pants are too tight.

39. Don’t say what can’t be unsaid.

40. Buy yourself flowers.

41. You can’t please everyone, so you gotta please yourself. (Ricky Nelson)

42. Sweat the big stuff.

43. Love is not just a feeling, but also a decision.

44. Let it be. (The Beatles)

45. Poetry works better than prescriptions for easing pain.

46. The question is not what you look at, but what you see. (Henry David Thoreau)

47. Nothing’s cozier than a shared marital grudge.

48. Don’t assume. It could be spelled “Smythe.”

49. If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything. (Mark Twain)

50. Avoid fake anything, especially butter.

51. Don’t postpone the urge to do good; it vanishes quickly.

52. The sun don’t shine on the same old dog’s butt every Saturday afternoon. (Hayden Fry)

53. You stop being a child when you have a child.

54. Don’t undertake a recipe that takes more hours than you were in labor with your first child.

55. When you feel uneasy – in a relationship or a dark parking lot – skedaddle.

56. Be sure your sins will know you. (Grandma)

57. Quibbling with a spouse in public makes you look like a jerk. No exceptions.

58. Don’t say you’re fine if you’re not.

59. Fashion changes; style endures.

60. Be yourself; everyone else is taken. (Oscar Wilde)

Addendum from Lori: One thing I’ve learned the easy way is that Rebecca Christian is a jewel among friends. Happy Birthday, Rebecca!