Mama Cats

When Zach was a baby, I had an overwhelming desire to lick him.  I nearly always resisted, but it was a powerful urge.  Like a mother cat, I wanted to groom the hairs on his sweet-smelling head.  But it was more than that too.  Something that’s hard to describe.

On the first day of pre-school, I snuck back to the school after an hour to peek in the windows.  My friends wouldn’t let me, but I’m pretty sure I sent one of them to do it for me.  Twice in the first month, he started crying because he saw me drive by and he wanted to come home with me.

I have a secret hand squeeze with each of the boys.  When we are in public, I go up to them, quietly give them the squeeze, and watch their faces light up.  When they are feeling particularly happy or particularly out of sorts, they come up and grab my hand for the squeeze.  It’s a little reminder that even in the wider world, we can find the embrace of home.

It might be said of me that I am overly-attached to my babies.  I wouldn’t be able to argue if it were.  I can certainly see how someone with concerns about homeschooling might wonder at my motives for keeping them home.

Or my motives for convincing them that all colleges outside the metro- Boston area are sub-standard.  Or my motives for making them promise to only marry women who want to live with us.

I have nothing to say in response to that person.  I’m not so silly as to think my boys will never resent my efforts to keep them close.  Or that I won’t have to explain a recurring dream they have about a menacing cat.

The boys are in California with their dad for nine days.  People keep high-fiving me like it’s some great prize.  And I understand that impulse. Because as much as I practically wanted to inhale my children at points, I have had equally strong urges to run away from home or hide under the bed.  But I miss my babies this week, miss them in my bones.  So I’m not high-fiving.  And when the boys come home, they might want to protect their heads.  Mama cat is feeling a strong need to groom her babies.