S*^! Jesus Says… Or Doesn’t

S*^! Jesus Says… Or Doesn’t April 10, 2012

I just dropped a book, picked it up, and then proceeded to trip over a bike rack, all in a span of about 7 seconds. And all in public, of course.

Yesterday, I got my calendar wires crossed and missed a meeting with someone who drove nearly an hour to see me. Also, I spent most of the day lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling, while my kids played near me/climbed on me/came down from Sunday’s sugar high.

No, I’m not pregnant. This is just a glimpse of a minister’s life the week after Easter. Frazzled/fried/exhausted/clumsy/glazed-over/thanking Jesus, God, and the Easter Bunny for the most excellent worship attendance and the working microphones. I’m used to this fog. It comes every year. I expect it; I plan around it; I get over it.

And yet, for all my clutzy, ditzy stumbling through the week–I am energized. It could be that I’ve got sabbatical coming up. But really, I think I’m just excited about the new sermon series we’re starting this week on the Beatitudes. Otherwise known as “S*^! Jesus Says.”

Don’t worry, I am not making up worship bulletins or bumper stickers (ooh! bumper stickers!) to this effect. But in my head–and yeah, here on the blog, where noone is a captive audience–that’s the working title. Because nothing else in scripture gives us such a connected and coherent glimpse of what Jesus taught on the road, drumming up multitudes everywhere he went. (Kind of like Tebow).  The message is short and simple. And yet, these few words outline the most challenging, counter-cultural, world-shaping instructions in the history of the world. For all the quoting-out-of-context that we Jesus people might do for fun, these simple directives stop us cold. If Jesus meant this stuff like, for reals, we’ve got some work to do.

But before we start with the “S*^! Jesus Says” (and yes, the present-tense “says” is intentional) I think it’s important that we start with “S*^! Jesus NEVER Said.” Here goes:

1. Blessed are the rich, for they can give 10% of their riches to poor people.

2. Call me if you need anything.

3. See those gay people over there? They are going sta-RAIGHT to hell for sure.

4. And so is that Muslim.

5. Love the sinner, hate the sin.

6. Let’s elect this guy president, because he crucified the most Texans. I mean Gentiles.

7. The Lord works in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform.

8. America is a Me-stian nation.

9. Tell those women over there to sit down and shut the *^#@ up.

10. Watch me heal this leper. It’s going to be epic.

11. Put down that net and follow me. Whenever. I’ll be in town for awhile.

12. Sorry, there’s a 30-day waiting period for that. Fill out this form and step to the next window…

Stay tuned. It’s still Easter, and I’m still tripping over stuff.

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  • Terry T.

    Erin, I like this as much as/or maybe even more than anything else you’ve written. I am sorry I can’t hear the sermon series!

  • mustardseedmom

    “Watch me heal this leper- it’s going to be epic!” That one made me laugh really, really hard.

    • thanks! a good laugh is a thing of the spirit, i tell you what. i always try.