A Change of Heart: Trump, After All

I don’t know, you guys. Maybe they know something we don’t. It’s all starting to make so much sense now…

Here’s what I know. I’m tired of being “politically correct.” It’s exhausting trying to be nice all the time, feeling like you need to please everyone. Social change is hard, maybe even impossible. The world has gone to shit, and we all know it. Maybe the best possible solution is to pick a race and class of people who will just always be in charge, and always have power; and trust that, once that race/class of people no longer feels their place at the top is threatened, they will be nice to everyone on the bottom. They will take good care of the huddled masses and everyone else will get along fine.

So, as of today: I endorse Donald Trump for President. And if the rumors are true–that Sarah Palin might be his running mate–then that just seals the dream ticket. I mean, it will be so refreshing to have people in charge who know how to talk like regular people. Who will release us from the snobbish bonds of grammar, sentence structure, and nuance.

And another thing–terrorism is real. Everybody else in the world has bombs. Sure, we have more bombs and guns than the rest of the world put together, but until now, we have been, shall we say, hesitant to use them. No more, I say! It is time to open up a can of nuclear whoop-ass on the rest of the world (are you serious, auto-correct, you do not know the word “whoop-ass?) Who better to do that than these two, who go into even the safest, most civil suburban town hall event with guns a-blazing and tongues untamed? Let’s light up these sissies who think we are too worried about “peace” and humanitarian whatever, and let’s make them afraid of us again. Like I say, once we’ve established who’s in charge, all this global unrest will settle down and the rest of the world will get back to work; making cheap stuff for us, basically for free.

What I’m saying is, it is wearing me out trying to be a decent human being all the time. I have global awareness fatigue. I’m sick of caring about “other people” and “the planet my children will inherit.” Sign me up for Making America Great Again; for letting them, over there, pick themselves up by their bootstraps; for taking care of me and mine. I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to come around… All I can say is, Jesus and those pesky Beatitudes have gotten in my way for the last damn time.

Come Sunday, I’m going to preach some inspirational drivel about how successful God wants me to be. Because like I say, I’m tired, and I can preach that sitting down with no notes or preparation. And then I’m going to buy a gun. From Wal-Mart.

I don’t know why it’s taken me so long to come around. What can I say, I was brainwashed by my Christian upbringing and the basic values I absorbed living in a  small town where people knew each other and had to work for a living. Having been relieved of that weighty moral compass, I feel more lighter somehow. Unfettered and strangely numb to the suffering of others. What a blessed relief that is, after all these years of laboring under my sense of compassion. Thank you, Mr. Trump, for the gift of this new freedom. I know it is only the beginning of the much-needed change you will bring to our great nation.

*note: if you happen to read this on a day that is not April 1; and/or, if you do not know me very well; I’m kidding. Satire. Joke. Jest. Prank. #aprilfools #nevertrump