$h*t Jesus Says: “These Are Not People, They’re Animals” Edition

$h*t Jesus Says: “These Are Not People, They’re Animals” Edition May 17, 2018

Truly I tell you, these immigrants you see before you are not people. They are animals. 

You have heard it said, “an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.” But I say to you, it is probably fine to take TWO teeth, or three, if the person is an illegal immigrant. Because these are not people, they are animals. 

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you…unless they are immigrants, in which case they are not people, they are animals. 

In everything do to others as you would have them do to you…unless they are poor, in which case you should build a bigger fence to keep them out. Because they are animals. 

Everyone then who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house in the proximity of a really excellent border wall. 

Whoever welcomes you welcomes me, and whoever welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me…and whoever gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones in the name of a disciple—truly I tell you, none of these will lose their reward. But if the thirsty child is undocumented, then do not give them that cup of water. Instead, take them from their parents, and put them in a prison camp. You know, just in case. 

Come to me, all you that are weary and are carrying heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Unless you are a person of color and do not have the proper paper work. In which case, we’re totally deporting your ass. 

Because mostly these are not people, they are animals.

They are animals. 

-from the gospel of Matthew-ish 

Just kidding, Jesus didn’t say this shit.

But these guys did.


I tell you, on the day of judgment you will have to give an account for every careless word you utter; 37 for by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.”–actual Jesus. Actual gospel of Matthew. 

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