Very few of you, I assume, have heard of Tucker (2000-2001). No, I don’t mean the contemporary talk show hosted by the probable CIA asset, nor do I mean the side character from beloved children’s cartoon Danny Phantom (2004-2007). Let me introduce you to it much like I was. It’s the only way to experience this star child of Y2K overreach. Tucker was a children’s sitcom on Nickelodeon. In it, Seth Green plays himself as a 26-year-old actor. He, however,... Read more
Sometime in the summer of 2009 I opened video on-demand as I played World of Warcraft deep into the night. Usually, I’d be chatting with my high school friends who also played, running something I’d seen a million times before like King of the Hill (1997-2010) in the background, half-watching, half-socializing, half-playing in that excessive way of multitasking that atrophies around age 21. Not this time though. This time I was alone and willing to do whatever it took not... Read more
Baseball is not America’s pastime. Sure, we may call it that. But this is misdirection rooted in our eternal shame. We are a brash people known for screaming in cargo shorts all around this wide globe. There is, however, shame in this rudeness. We protest too much, methinks, and prefer not to be seen for what we really are: carnies. Which sport do we make a veritable sport out of hating? Soccer. You’ve heard the accusations (though these seem to... Read more
Identikit (1974, also called The Driver’s Seat) sets its terms of engagement from the very first shot. We see a room crammed with mannequins, populated by Lise (Elizabeth Taylor) and another woman. Lise has tried on a splendidly colorful outfit (whether garish or expressive, I cannot say—perhaps both) and proceeds to examine her new look in a full-length mirror. The saleswoman spouts off about how wonderful the clothing is, the tried routine of post-purchase praise—praise, that is, until she lets... Read more
It might be Sweeney Todd’s (2007) fault. When I hear about a barber-serial killer, I assume humor, or at least campiness. It just lends itself to black comedy, or at least hokey jeering. Defenseless victims in the perfect spot to have their throats slit, snake oil salesmen and Dickensian orphaned errand boys, dancing—as if in love—around human-flesh-filled meat pies. The darkest things occasion laughter because, well, what else are we supposed to do? The Stylist (2020) doesn’t go for laughs.... Read more
Anyone who has spent time on the Christian part of the internet knows that the participants from various denominations love debate. What’s more, they know that a favorite topic of debate—perhaps even more than whether Catholics worship Mary (maybe the Orthodox too, if it’s a particularly enlightened crowd—is the canon of the Bible. Protestants lament the Catholic fall from the foundational doctrine of Sola Scriptura. Catholics note that Luther expunged a few books from the Biblical canon, most notably the... Read more
If you’re looking for a great documentary, look no further than Vice’s YouTube showcase of Valerie Blankenbyl’s The Bubble (2021). Put aside the true crime. Think about cults some other time. It’s free, folks. It comes complete with an interview with the director. You’ve got no excuse. If you read the comments on the video, you’ll see that many are praising its balanced take on a situation so emblematic of the time in which we live that it feels foolish... Read more
Shakes the Clown (1991) sounds great on paper. That’s why I put it on (well, and it was free). Bobcat Goldthwait plays the titular clown, who inhabits a suburban world (of that peculiar 90s, 50s throwback variety) in which various entertainers congregate in gangs. Think Switchblade Sisters (1975) meets The Truman Show (1998) with a whole lot more booze. Shakes and his buddies hang out at a bar with all the other clowns broken up into cliques. Adam Sandler is... Read more
When I was a kid, two pieces of media ruined a plethora of movie endings for me. The first was one of those web series, a real product of its time in which sickeningly bright colors met outrageous violence coalesced in a sort of pre-ironic way: Happy Tree Friends (1999-2016). I recall the series (or was it also a site?) trunctating famous horror films, the furry little psychopaths from the main show playing all the lead roles, goring it up... Read more
I saw Kevin Smith’s Clerks III (2022) the first night it was in theaters. I feel obligated to review it. Partly because I like Smith’s work (even taken on the whole). Partly, because I’m from New Jersey. And partly because work has kept me so busy that I’ve hardly had time to watch a movie in weeks. But what can I say? It’s a movie for the fans. Smith is clear about this. Clerks III opens with a “thank you”... Read more
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