“I’d Found Humanity Again” : The Casey McWhorter Tapes (4): Scheduled for Execution on November 16, 2023 in Alabama
I know this path very well. Despair is something that I’ve grown quite intimate with. I’ve caused it. I’ve experienced it. I’ve lived it.
Despair seems like too nice of a word to describe the feelings that I felt around the murder. I was in despair when I realized what I’d done. I was in despair when the door slammed behind me. I was in despair when I realized they were going to try to kill me. I guess I could go on forever down the line…but I think you get the point. I’ve known despair.
When you get a death sentence, you have a monumental time with the dehumanization of it all. Think about it. You basically have a group of people saying that you are so worthless that you need to be killed. I’m surprised I didn’t end it all right then and there. Despair is when your own life is taken from you before you are even dead.
When I got to death row, I was barely 19. I was in despair thinking that I’d be around a bunch of monsters. The worst of the worst. Then, I went to a deeper level of despair when I realized that I was one of them. I stayed in that place for a long time.
Despair seemed to be my home…my reality…for several years. Slowly, things began to change. Eventually, I was able to rehumanize myself as I began to humanize those around me.
Cancer took my grandmother from me really slowly. We’d always been close. I knew she was going to die…but it didn’t make it any easier when I found out that she did. I was in my cell weeping. One of the other guys asked me what’s wrong. For the next little bit, he sat with me as I processed things…and prayed with me. I was in complete despair…but even amidst the despair of losing my grandmother…I realized that I’d found humanity again.
Now, I just try to cling to that peace that I felt back then.
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