“Peace is going to see me through this execution” : The Casey McWhorter Tapes (3): Scheduled for Execution on November 16, 2023 in Alabama
Faith is something much more than an idea to me. It’s something I’ve been chasing my whole life. I yearn for it. Occasionally, I’ve touched it.
One of the first times I remember praying was when a relative tried to commit suicide. I was very little. I remember hearing the sound, running in to see that my relative had shot herself in the stomach and falling on my knees to pray that she would be ok. There was a tremendous amount of blood. I don’t know where that faith came from…but I knew to reach out to God. I guess you could say that faith found me.
I used all the right words. I’d gotten saved. I’d gotten baptized. But I was still running the streets. I don’t know how much all of it meant. I guess I hoped it meant something. When you’re screwing people over daily, your prayers become very stupid. Money, cars and sex were the extent of it I guess. I remember asking God to put 20 dollars under my pillow. I remember begging God for a new sports car. I remember asking for my se3xual desires to be fulfilled. I don’t know if selfish prayers are a sign of faith or not…but I sure prayed some selfish prayers.
After the murder, I prayed repeatedly with my grandmother. She was very religious. Repeatedly, she kept telling me to go to God. I’d never had a faith like that before. You could say that I was a little directionally challenged. But I loved and trusted my grandmother. So, I tried to have faith. I prayed hard that God would get me out of all the shit that I’d gotten myself into. I suspect that I thought God was a genie that was just going to bust me out. But my grandmother pointed me to deeper prayers for peace. I’d never known peace before. She helped me make sense of some things. Sincerity started to creep in. I guess you could say that peace did too. Without that peace that crept up on me, I don’t know that I would be here right now.
Prison has been a good incubator of faith. I’ve had a tremendous time to listen. I’ve realized that prayer is as much more about listening than talking. Prison can be a decent place to listen. Peace follows listening to something more than yourself. God exists in the knowledge that peace is peaceful.
The closer I get to God the less I’ve trusted in people. I don’t know if that’s the way it’s supposed to happen…but there sure are a tremendous amount of selfish people out there. I was one of them. I guess you could say that I’ve repeatedly met my old self and I’ve been less than impressed. Isn’t it fair to not want to be lied to? Lies are the opposite of faith.
Can you imagine having any faith in humanity if an entire state was determined to kill you? I’ve got to put my trust in God. That always seems to be the much safer bet.
I don’t know how…but peace has found me. I’m holding on to it with all that I got. My faith is in the peace that God has given me. Peace is going to see me through this execution.
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