It’s that weekend again, and people, nice people, have already started wishing me happy Mothers Day. I’m generally a good sport, but if this holiday fell off a cliff into the abyss, I’d be okay with that. Specifically, I’d like it to fall off a cliff and be replaced with of multitude of much better holidays.
MD Evil #1: People expect you to do things.
I have four children. I am expected to do things all the time. The last thing I need is a holiday that comes with a to-do list. I won’t mention what those items are, because it will cause people to get all huffy about how I’m a terrible person for not wanting to do that one more thing that someone else thinks is a great idea, and really it’s not a bad idea, it’s just that I already have other things people expect me to do, because I am a mother, and that’s how it is.
Proposed Replacement Holiday: Not Expected to Do Things Day
We could have this once a week. Maybe Sundays? I think this one’s already on the books, actually.
MD Evil #2: Other People’s Cooking
It took me a few years to figure it out, but breakfast in bed is way overrated. Now what I do is go out Saturday before Mother’s day and get myself food that I like, and then get up early and make myself what I actually want to eat. And it shows up hot and cooked the way I like it.
Proposed Replacement Holiday: Allowed to Eat What I Want Day
We could do this every day. It’s really not necessary to restrict ourselves to certain days of the year, is it?
MD Evil #3: Extra Standing Up at Church, Plus Those Awful Carnations
In addition to the awkwardness that the traditional blessing-of-mothers imposes* (What if you haven’t announced your pregnancy? What if you don’t feel like discussing that stillbirth?), let’s just cut to the chase: Which mothers are actually hoping to stand around at Mass one more minute than necessary?The one with the colicky baby? The one with the toddler who keeps tying the hymnal bookmarks together? Oh, I know — the one with the bad knees and back from all those years of taking care of babies and toddlers!
There are six mothers in the congregation who have a narcissistic disorder that causes them to crave extra special recognition. The rest of us just want to go home and start in on Not Expected to Do Things Day. Without having to figure out how to keep that free flower from getting destroyed on the way home.
Proposed Replacement Holiday: Let Me Pray All By Myself with No Goldfish Crumbs Stuck to My Knees Day
I think this one is most realistically dispensed in four-minute increments.
There are more reasons to hate Mother’s day, but the starter list gets us going. Needless to say, Hallmark really missed the ball not promoting Pick Out the Plants that Will Actually Survive the Summer in Your Yard Day. But you get the point.
Wishing you all the best on this No I Don’t Want to Wait Two Hours for Brunch weekend.
*Smart priests use the twofold Gift to Mothers formula: Short homily on how children should do their homework and eat their vegetables, and slip that special blessing in real quick while the whole congregation is either sitting or standing together. I mean, is it really necessary to point out who the mothers are? If you don’t already know, it’s none of your business.
Also, there is a special extra-blessed circle of Heaven for priests who slip in something about God not wanting us to ever, ever, leave a bottle of nail polish just sitting open someplace, unless the house is actually on fire. We can have Preach on Something Useful Day every day of the year, actually. I bet Mass attendance would skyrocket.