I have a playlist called “Medical Gaslighting” that is for unwinding after particularly stupid doctors’ appointments. In 2021 when my brain went mostly-AWOL for a few months, we didn’t even bother going to the doctor — the spouse and I went straight to planning for end-of-life.
Why would we do this? Because we had long experience that going to the doctor was unlikely to help, and I already had the list of things that had been useful in the past, and frankly the physical reality of attending a doctor’s appointment was beyond my ability.
==> See: What “Fatigue” Is Like for an idea of that.
It was everything I could do when I developed an extremely weird movement disorder in fall of 2022 to force myself to pursue diagnosis and treatment. The GP’s PA, gatekeeper for neurology referrals, was sure it was all just “anxiety.” In her appointment notes she explained she suspected this because I was “talkative.”
I kid you not.
No sweetie, it was the espresso and the big personality, I promise. (She also asked me whether boys or girls are “easier” to parent. That gives you an idea of the level of sophistication we were working with.)
That was my cue to find a new GP practice. Through a series of referrals ranging from absurd, to catastrophically stupid, to refreshingly sane, I collected a shortlist of pretty-good doctors. Nice.
In the meantime Taylor Swift got me through a lot of very stressful encounters.
Now what happens when we add assisted suicide to the formula?
We were fortunate that none of our children received an adverse prenatal diagnosis. To the extent that any of our kids have had serious health conditions, it’s been after birth, when all doctors are on board with treating rather than terminating.
It was still stressful during my pregnancies knowing that if something showed up in a prenatal test, rather than being offered as much help as possible, we may well discover our doctor thought the ideal “treatment” was to go ahead and kill the baby right away. Um, no.
Now make that your whole life.
Take the stress of having to sort through mounds of incompetence to find the doctors who are willing and able to diagnose and treat, but add to the sort: Will this doctor encourage me to kill myself?
On the one hand I suppose it’s enlightening, and maybe pulling back the curtain and discovering your doctor sometimes wishes you dead is vital information?
But also, knowing you will have to run a life-or-death gauntlet does not help, at all, with encouraging people to receive the care they need.
Related:
- How We Talk About Suicide – Relevant to all kinds of suicide.
- When “Medical Assistance in Dying” Comes After You – More about the intense temptation towards suicide that is already a challenge for many people with serious illnesses, even before your doctor starts hyping it up.
- The Healthcare Experience for Difficult Diagnoses – case study from JAMA about that medical gaslighting thing.
- Medical Gaslighting Illustrated – another physician-reported case study.
- Why Your Doctor Needs to Know More About “Fatigue” – Parsing out the different patterns for common causes of fatigue, keeping in mind that fatigue can both be caused by and be a cause of depression, which can lead to suicidal ideation — and treating the underlying issue can restore your will to live. It’s important!
- Parsing Out the Physical from the Psychological in Chronic Illness – Big analysis of a study with some super interesting results; my comments include a bullet point list of psychological techniques that can make it easier to live with a serious illness.
Photo: Sacred Heart of Jesus painted on a masonry wall in India, alongside artwork from other religions. CC 2.0, via Wikimedia, sponsored by the Month of June, which is the month of the Sacred Heart.
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