So, let’s see. Monday, I’m scalp-deep in memories of my mother, due to a novel I’m writing. Tuesday, I discover my mother’s been dead for five years. Wednesday, I … can’t help but notice that I’m not exactly what you’d call depressed. And yesterday, I get an email from a woman at United Talent Agency asking about the availability of movie rights to my unfinished novel.
Ho-hum. Another boring work week for me.
United Talent Agency (of Beverly Hills, doncha know) counts among its clients … oh, lemme just pull a couple of names off the top of my head here: Johnny Depp, Harrison Ford, Owen Wilson, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Lopez, Kirsten Dunst, Seth Rogen, James McAvoy, Rachel McAdams, Tim Daly, Paul Rudd, Jim Breuer, Elizabeth Banks, Juliette Goglia, and Mike White; filmmakers and screenwriters Joel and Ethan Coen, Judd Apatow, Andrew Adamson, Wes Anderson, John August, Noah Baumbach, Florian Heckel von Donnersmarck, Julian Fellowes, Curtis Hanson, Charlie Kaufman, Ehren Kruger, Peter Morgan and Richard Price; television writers and creators Dick Wolf, David Chase, Alan Ball, Tom Fontana, Ed Bernero and Steve Levitan, as well as non-fiction television producers Tom Forman, Alison Grodner and Sally Ann Salsano.
But those are just some of my colleagues who pop to mind. Whatever.
(Okay, fine: UTA contacting me isn’t really a big deal at all. The [kind and witty ] woman who emailed/phoned me was simply letting me know that, once my novel is finished, United Talent would be interested in reading it, in order to see whether or not they thought they could sell its movie rights. That’s it. If, come the time, UTA thinks the novel would make a good movie, they’ll hook up with my literary agent, Deborah Schneider—who has friends at UTA with whom she has worked with several of her authors—and together they’ll … do their thing. And then UTA will sell the movie rights to my novel to a major Hollywood studio, and every single one of my life dreams will come true, and I’ll get rich and famous and live happily ever after. Which means, I guess, that I should probably start writing that novel. Which I’ll totally do, right after I grab a little lunch and then take a nap. [I jest! I’m about 30,000 words into it.])
Oh: If anyone from UTA is reading this, please ignore the blog post I once wrote in reaction to Johnny Depp being named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive. I wasn’t myself that day. Tell the Johnster monster I said hi, and to gimme a call some time.
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