I wrote my last post (A Whole New World For Me) about an hour ago, whilst sitting in a coffee shop here in the Southern California coastal town of Encinitas. Now I am sitting at this juice place, in the nearby coastal town of Solana Beach: I am waiting at Hippy Juice (no, wait: it’s Java Hut) for my wife to finish her hour-long appointment with her acupuncturist, whose office is two doors down. Even as I type this, Cat... Read more
When I was but 50 years old, I was a fool. But now that I’m 51, all that’s changed. Now I’m like Methuselah—but without the full-on bunions. Doubt it? Really? Then check out how my opinion has changed on these Major Life Subjects since lo those many days ago, when I was but a bonny fifty. Other People Opinion at 50: Lots of people I haven’t met yet could be my friend. Opinion at 51: My best chance for ever... Read more
5:45 p.m. Monday, March Whatever, 2009. In my wife’s office. Laptop on lap. iTunes playing “Paper Planes” (M.I.A.), “Gold Digger” (Kanye East), “Once in a Lifetime” (Yapping Heads), “My Name is Prince” (I forget the name of the artist), “My Name Is” (by Eminememenemen), and other such songs for people like me who, dagnabit, ain’t dead yet. Wife cutting photography mat. Last night she and I watched the movie “Zodiac.” Later last night I dreamed that I was wanted for... Read more
As this morning I reflect back upon the Culture and Cuisine-a-thon to which, with such gleeful abandon, my wife and I last night gave ourselves over, I cannot help but be cognizant of the fact that herein and at this moment I have adapted as mine own the prose style of an 18th-century fop. Why would that be? I’m drinking out of a four-gallon coffee cup I bought at a thrift-store that has a huge chip out of its lip,... Read more
Phase II was: 1. Enjoy delicious glass of Hendrick’s gin (from bottle of said booze, which was birthday gift from wife Cat) whilst sitting at dining room table and chatting with said Cat, who’s lovingly insisted on cleaning kitchen and making delicious spaghetti dressed with garlic-infused olive oil (being olive oil warmed with garlic cloves) and parmesan cheese. NOODLES WITH CHEESE! It’s all I can do not to eat our dining room table and turn Happy Kid cartwheels waiting for... Read more
Saturday, March 21, 2009. 6:21 a.m. Operation John Shore’s Birthday has begun. I’m up. My wife’s still asleep. Loser. But I’ll let her sleep, cuz she’s so cute when she’s innocently dreaming about a beautiful world where she doesn’t have to get up and give me a haircut because we’re going out in public today and I look like someone on drugs had been trying to Photoshop the top of my head right before they fell asleep. I want to... Read more
My birthday’s tommorow. Why, I can remember being born just like it was 18,615 days ago. While my fellow newborns were lying all about me, mewing and scrinching up their little baby fists, I was busy scheming revenge on the clown in the surgical mask who, when apparently no one else was looking, got his sadistic jollies off by holding me upside down and spanking me. Now it’s 51 years later, and that doctor’s probably dead now. So vengeance is... Read more
(Update: All the posts of this series have been collected into one piece, Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships, and How to Defeat Each One of Them.) Last time we talked about … well, snarky rhyming leprechauns, actually. But pursuant to my series 7 Reasons Women Stay in Bad Relationships (and just before Christian Leaders: For God’s Sake, Stop Empowering Wife Abusers), we talked, in Women in Abusive Relationships: Like Everyone Else, You’re Guilty of Love, about the truth... Read more
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Pastors, church, and ministry leaders: Please refrain from ever using the Bible as a means of keeping women in physically or emotionally abusive relationships. If you believe in hell—that working in direct opposition to the will of God means spending eternity roasting alive—then, on behalf of the abused women who’ve written me in response to my Seven Reasons Women Stay in Abusive Relationships, please consider that Jesus—hero of the oppressed, champion of the meek, defender of the weak, Deliverer, Lamb,... Read more
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