There’s No Turning Back (and no reason why I would ever want to)

 I can’t un-know all I know.

I can’t un-see all I’ve seen.

There’s no turning back.

There was a time when I didn’t know.

I just believed.

Just took what was said as Truth.

No digging.

No searching.

No questioning.

The music played.

I stood up.

I sang.

I raised my hands to the sky.

I reached my hands out to God.

The God in my mind.

The one on a throne up there somewhere.

Looking like Gandalf.

Just trying to reach him.

Begging him to fill me.

Show me.

Enlighten me.

Heal me.

Break me.

You know?

All the words.

I was desperate for him.

And I told him so all the time.

Sometimes it was with hands raised.

Other times it was on my knees.

On my face even.

On my face, on my dirty bathroom floor.

Crying out.

Change me, God.

Make me new.

Draw me close.

With every new song?

New words to cry out to him.

Maybe these words will get him to hear me.

Act on it.

Drive out those demons.

The ones named Fear and Anxiety.

Maybe, just maybe, other people will use the right words.

Yes.

Lay someone else can lay  hands on me and pray for me.

Ask God to take away all the pain.

Heal my anxious heart.

I’m so scared.

Take it all way.

What will it take for you to take it all away?

I’ve memorized all the scripture.

Quoted it to you more times than I know.

Thinking if I used your own words on you?

C’mon.

Why can’t you hear me?

I’m begging.

I’ve been begging for 25 years.

And then the rug began to get pulled out.

Maybe this isn’t God at all?

Maybe he isn’t hanging out on a throne up in the sky.

Maybe he isn’t even a man.

Maybe he isn’t near as scary as I’ve made him out to be.

Well, let me say that different.

Maybe he isn’t as scary as I was taught he is?

Maybe?

He is love.

And holds everything together.

And is in ALL and through All.

Maybe he is right here.

No, like… inside of me.

God in me.

Christ in me.

The hope of Glory.

Living inside me.

And there is no need to grasp anymore.

Maybe there never was.

He holds everything together.

Not with big giant Gandalf hands.

Nope.

More like glue.

Energy.

Connecting all of us.

I don’t need to be afraid of some cosmos being who just comes to judge.

So, wait.

Could have my anxiety actually been brought on by my belief in who god was?

No, really.

I’m serious.

My fears were driven by my fear of god.

A god who causes people to get sick and puts people in hell.

And the people who taught it to me?

Well, they were just teaching what they had learned.

And scaring the hell right out of me.

Or were they scaring the hell right into me?

Now I’m shaking my head as I type.

Here’s what I do know.

God is Love.

God holds everything together.

God is in all and through all.

There is a peace that comes from deep within when I focus on this.

It doesn’t come from outside of me.

No need to go outside of myself to get filled.

No need to beg.

Only to rest.

Only to realize.

This God?

Our Jesus?

He is right here.

In me.

In you.

Holding us all together.

Instead of praying for him to get busy filling us?

How about we be still and know? 

We all take a deep breath.

And remind each other of who we are.

Who God is.

Where God resides.

Right here.

Abiding in this love.

I raised my hands the other day.

Way up.

Open wide.

But not to beg.

Simply to say.

Be who you say you are God.

Right here.

Inside of me.

May I be the answer to someone’s prayer today.

May I see you in them.

And not be afraid to tell them so.

And may my mouth be filled with the hope of your love.

Karen R Shock resides in Fort Wayne, IN with her husband and their youngest son. She had three more children who are married and four beautiful grandchildren. Oh, and a dog name JT Barrett (Go Bucks). She is a retired homeschool mom and is now a high school teacher and cheer coach. Life is hard, but fun.