All I Thought I Knew

Looking back through journals.

All the prayers.

All the crying out to God.

Years.

And years.

Asking.

Begging.

Believing.

Writing out words to songs we had sung.

Wanting so badly to be heard.

For my prayers to be answered.

I see it now.

Not perfectly.

Of course, not perfectly.

But… I do see the problem.

The arrogance.

The “knowing.”

You know?

I just “knew.”

I knew what all those others didn’t know.

I was some sort of special.

Not “sinless” special.

More like… special because I knew my sin.

I hated my sin.

I hated other’s sin.

I knew what sin was.

And I hated it.

And I prayed to a god I believed hated it as well.

If only people could see it.

Like I saw it.

Like God saw it.

Oh, that others could be a humble as I was.

Oh, that they could hate their life like I did.

Open their eyes to see what worms they all are.

How disgusting they are.

Like me.

I know what I deserve.

Hell.

Oh God, humble them to help them.

Make them realize (like me) what they deserve.

My groveling makes you happy.

My “knowing” what a sinner I am.

You love that.

I am not worthy.

No-one is.

Except you.

So help me help them.

And my “unworthy prayers?”

Somehow made me more worthy.

Are you shaking your head as you read this?

I am shaking my head as I type.

My journals are filled with my confessions.

Full of me.

Knowing what God wanted from me.

Sure of all the things.

All things purity culture.

All things political.

All things doctrine.

All things sin.

I knew so much.

And when I look back now?

I see it.

How much I didn’t know.

And how much I still don’t know.

I guess I do know one thing?
How much I don’t know.

And I think…

“Think” being the key word…

I think God is good with me not knowing.

Ok with me having questions.

Even ok with me telling you I have questions.

I’m leaning into all of this.

Focusing more on the love part.

I never focused so much on the love part.

Loving others.

Being loved by God.

Trusting… which is different than knowing.

Open to what might be.

Willing to listen.

More than beg.

Quiet the soul.

Be still.

Breathe.

Rest in the love.

And maybe encourage others along the way.