I once heard someone say that a successful marriage is one in which we fall in love with the same person over and over again. I do not know who said it, but it has stayed with me. For the past few days, Katie McLain and I have been on the Delmarva coast celebrating twenty years of marriage, and that line feels true. Our story has been one of learning to say yes to each other again and again. We were married on March 18, a day after St. Patrick’s Day, and the journey has been a lot of “yeses” since then.
Where It Started
We met in 2004 at the Lyndon Diner in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. I had just come back from a tour with some friends, and there was a gathering with local bands. I was standing near the door, waiting for the back room to open, when I noticed Katie sitting at a table. She was with a few guys I barely knew from a local Christian college. I did not know much about them, but I knew I wanted to meet her.
I joked with my friend Matt that I was going to talk to her, and he joked back that if I did not, he would. So I walked over, greeted the guys, and as they told me about their band, I invited them to play a local show I had coming up. I already had enough bands and was fairly certain they would not fit, but I told them they could play if they brought her with them. I learned her name and that on campus, they called her California Katie because she had moved from the West Coast. Our table was ready after that, and so I wanted to get this girl’s contact information. Back then, we did not exchange phone numbers. We exchanged AOL Instant Messenger screen names. Within a few days, we were talking regularly. I was working at Square One Coffee, using the customer computer to message her, and she was at Lancaster Bible College, where she had moved from Southern California. Within a few days, we had a date, and a few weeks later
The Life We Have Lived
Since that first conversation, we have been learning what it means to fall in love again and again. There have been tours, moves across states, different jobs and seasons, buying a home, and raising three daughters. Consider our journey: we moved from Pennsylvania to California, from California to Pennsylvania, from Pennsylvania to Virginia, from Virginia to California, and from California to Pennsylvania. We then bought a home in Pennsylvania and “settled.” Along the way, there have been real challenges. Katie developed epilepsy, which has brought its own set of limitations and insecurities over the years. She cannot drive, which means even something as simple as grocery shopping becomes something we do together or with family help. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. This has become an ongoing learning curve. Throughout our time together, there have been moments where things felt uncertain and heavy. But through it all, we have continued to say yes.
I have shared before that I try to live with a rule of life, a philosophy, and a set of values that guide me in each season. In many ways, our marriage has followed a similar path. We have grown up together, but we have also learned to find ourselves along the way. We are more certain now of who we are than we have ever been. We are letting go of what we are not and holding onto what matters most. Life is a process of discovering and rediscovering, affirming and reaffirming who God has created us to be. That has been true for both of us. And somehow, that early spark has remained, not because we stayed the same, but because we have stayed together.
Practices That Have Sustained Us
Katie and I sat down at a restaurant during our date last night, and as we talked, we considered 10 practices that have sustained us over the years. These are eleven practices that we would tell another couple just starting out. I guess we should have tried to name twelve. Over time, we have settled into these few simple practices (some older than others) that have helped keep our marriage strong. These are not complicated, but they have been steady for us:
- Practice weekly date nights. Protect time together, even if it is simple and inexpensive. Consistency matters more than creativity.
- Practice a transition buffer. Take fifteen minutes between work and parenting to reset so you can be present. Often, I pick Katie up at work on the way home, and we get a drink or coffee before running into the house.
- Practice putting family first. Make decisions based on your priorities, not just your pressures. We have learned to put family life first, sometimes in hard ways.
- Practice sharing feelings, not just thoughts. Go beneath the surface of daily life, really share what is going on in your life, mind, and fears.
- Practice serving together. Move in the same direction in work, ministry, and life.
- Practice spontaneity. Do things that break routine and create small moments of joy.
- Practice small gifts. Flowers, a favorite soda, or simple acts of care that say you are paying attention.
- Practice writing your own story. Do not let parents, expectations, or outside voices define your marriage. Sometimes that means creating distance so you can build something healthy.
- Practice building a family ecosystem. Be intentional about the kind of home you are cultivating and the kind of impact you want your family to have.
- Practice no bad questions. Create a space where anything can be asked and talked through without fear. This is good for us as a couple and for our family.
- Practice intimacy. Stay physically and emotionally connected in meaningful, mutual ways. Sex is a good gift from God; let it be good for you.
Christian Marriage: Learning to Serve Side by Side
Early in our marriage, we were at a church planting conference when someone we did not know prayed over us. During that time, he shared a picture he believed was for us. He spoke about me stepping into ministry and leadership, and he spoke to Katie about being surrounded by children, something he did not know was already part of her life as a preschool teacher. Then he described an image of us riding a pogo stick. When we were serving together, he said, it was like Katie was on my back, with her arms wrapped around me, and we were moving forward, able to navigate the potholes and uneven ground, jumping over what would otherwise trip us up. But when we were operating separately, moving in different directions, we were out of balance and hit every pothole on the road. We have carried that image with us over the years, and we have found it to be true. We do best when we are moving in the same direction, serving side by side. I think it is important to have some prophetic images that guide your marriage.
A Quiet Life, Learned Over Time
A big part of our life together has been learning to live out what it means to lead a quiet life, rooted in 1 Thessalonians 4:11–12. We have not always done this well. There have been seasons where we chased more, pushed too hard, or compared ourselves to others. And there have been seasons where we have found a deeper stillness. A quieter life for us has meant learning to depend on God, working with our hands, and stewarding what we have been given as best we can, including the small space we live in and the world around us. Our kids, especially our oldest, sometimes want bigger and better, and we understand that tension. Sometimes the grass is greener on the other side for me, too. But we are also starting to see glimpses of them understanding this slower, simpler way of life. It is not about having less for the sake of it. It is about living with intention, trust, and enough. Find a verse that guides your marriage.
Faith, Rhythm, and Permission
We enjoy worshipping together through song and through study. We talk often about what we are learning, what we are wrestling with, and how God is shaping us. We have rhythms of family devotion, sometimes around the dinner table and consistently before bed with our kids. At the same time, we have never been the kind of couple that prays together or studies together in the formal ways that many Christian spaces often hold up as the model you must follow.
We have had to give ourselves permission to find our own rhythm. Not a perfect rhythm, but a faithful one. One that fits who we are and the life we are actually living.
As Proverbs says, “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies” (Proverbs 31:10). I have found that kind of wife, and I am still learning what it means to honor that. Find a rhythm that works for you for talking about your spiritual journey.
Christian Marriage: Love That Grows and Adjusts
When Katie was 19, and I was in my early 20s, saying yes to each other looked one way. It was more instinctive and less tested. That yes has changed over time. At 43 and 39, it looks like listening more carefully. It looks like paying attention to what is happening beneath the surface. It looks like patience, sacrifice, and making adjustments we never planned for. It is less about just attraction and more about learning how to walk through life together, especially when things do not go as expected.
This week on the Delmarva coast, we had simple moments. Sitting at a restaurant together. Walking along the beach. Sitting in the sand, listening to the waves while the kids played nearby. Nothing dramatic. Nothing extraordinary. But in those moments, I realized something clear. I would still say yes.
A Team, Not Two Separate Lives
Not everyone thought we would make it. When I asked Katie’s dad if I could date her, trying to do it the right way, he questioned my theological background and could not give his blessing. There were differences in belief and direction between me, a Vineyard USA guy, and him, a GARB pastor. When we got married, there were quite a few doubts about whether we would last. On our marriage, Katie’s mother told her, “If this doesn’t work, please come home.” We could name many more, but we realize that over the years, there have been moments when people expected our story to end differently. But here we are, twenty years later, still moving forward, still writing the story, still choosing each other. Don’t let the other voices in.
We have come to see ourselves as a team. Not just in name, but in practice. Our marriage is not two individuals managing separate lives under one roof. It is a shared life. We model that for our kids as best as we can. We make decisions together, carry burdens together, and celebrate together.
Mutual Submission and a Better Way
We understand that mutual submission and honor must come first. At the core of the New Testament vision for marriage, we do not see control or dominance. We see a different way. We see a husband who loves his wife with a self-giving love, like Christ loves the church, and a wife who responds in love and respect. This is not about hierarchy as much as it is about posture.
We have tried, imperfectly, to live into that. To defer to one another. To listen. To honor. To choose love when it would be easier to withdraw.
A Quiet, Steady Yes
A strong marriage is not built on avoiding change. It is built on staying together through it. It is built on small practices, shared direction, and a willingness to keep saying yes when life is easy and when it is not.
Twenty years in, that is what remains. Not perfection. Not easy. But a steady, repeated yes. A quiet commitment to keep choosing each other, to keep growing, and to keep becoming who God has created us to be, together.
Thanks for reading. I’m Jeff McLain, and I write the Lead a Quiet Life blog on Patheos, exploring Christian spiritual formation and the call of 1 Thessalonians 4:11–12 to lead a quiet life in a noisy world. If this post resonated, share it, leave a comment, or connect with the Lead a Quiet Life page on Facebook. You can also learn more about me at jeffmclain.com.
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