Seven Things Your Leader Doesn’t Say, but Wants You to Know

Over my many years in ministry, I’ve had a number of awkward conversations with those under my spiritual leadership. These were usually people I spent time with, listened to, helped, and cared about. I’ve always desired to see those I lead develop their spiritual lives, whether as ministers or laity. Leadership is a difficult tightrope to walk, especially when it comes to trying to help people help themselves in spiritual development. I’ve met many gifted people who won’t settle down and focus on where God has them to be.

All of us have had good and bad leaders in our lives. If you have a good leader, acknowledge that and recognize the efforts they make to try and engage you for your spiritual benefit. Spiritual leadership isn’t all encouragement and puffing up. It’s also correction, discipline, and personal connection for the edification of both you and others. There are probably many things your leader hopes to impart within you, but they can’t do it if you don’t rightly show up, participate, and follow sound disciplines.

In honor of Clergy Appreciation Month, we are going to look at leadership matters. Here we will look at seven things your leader doesn’t say to you, but wants you to know.

We’ve been there

Whether you’re called to ministry or not, odds are good your leader has a pretty good understanding of your spiritual frustrations. None of us rolled out of bed one morning and were suddenly in ministry. What we’ve done – and continue to do as spiritual leaders – is walk through problems, work things out, and discern the voice of God throughout our lives. It’s not easy to achieve, and difficult to maintain.

Walking with God is often a slow process. Whether you’re upset that prayers go unanswered, spiritual achievements seem slow, spiritual advice seems to lag, or you want to do something you’re not ready to do, we’ve been there. We know what it’s like to held back by spiritual processes (or sometimes spiritual leaders) and we understand the frustration. Probably better than you can imagine. Knowing this should help give some perspective when you are going through and your leader doesn’t let you do something you might want to do. It’s happened to us, too.

Accountability matters (and it’s only the beginning)

Accountability is a big word that’s often used when someone has done something wrong. It is true that accountability is important in those situations, but at least in my view, accountability is more than that. Accountability is being responsible for ourselves, our families (if we have one), and the role we play within our spiritual communities. We are accountable to one another to work through issues and ensure we create a healthy, safe spiritual atmosphere. Spiritual leadership facilitates this process, as those who are part of a ministry are accountable to its leader.

A good spiritual leader knows accountability doesn’t end with being upfront and honest with a leader. Accountability to a leader is a starting place, but not an ending one. It’s key to learning and developing different areas of responsibility we face as people. Leaders are accountable to those who lead them as well as their congregations and other leaders, and that means we must walk in accountability throughout our lives. When issues arise with a reasonable leader, don’t dodge your accountability. That only proves you aren’t where you think you are from a spiritual perspective.

Spiritual leaders don’t ask a lot of you

Let me open this section with a disclaimer. I have met some spiritual leadership that really did ask a lot of the people they led. Some were expected to do their housework, put on their shoes, or babysit their kids. Fortunately, this was the exception, not the rule. There are obvious boundaries and ethics when dealing with a leader. If you’re expected to handle their personal errands or do something immoral or inappropriate, I’d definitely agree that too much is required in that setting.

That being said: these examples are extreme, and not customary to most leaders. It’s not a lot for your leader to expect you to be present for things related to ministry, especially if you claim to want to grow in ministry yourself. Being present at a meeting, a teleconference call, a worship service, or to be of service isn’t a lot to ask. If your leader requests you to be present, that is your ministry assignment at that time. While there are exceptions to this (having to work, preach out of town, illness, emergency, etc.)., your leader isn’t asking too much of you to expect you show up for participatory events. If you repeatedly don’t show, that shows you don’t follow through on commitments.

Spiritual leadership offers nothing without correction

If something is going on, a good leader must bring it to your attention. It is a sign of a bad leader to let things slide all the time. Good spiritual leadership acknowledges the work of discipline, knowing that it is for your good when it’s necessary. Also consider the fact that if a leader raises an issue of correction, it’s probably not the first time it’s come up, nor the first time they’ve acknowledged it. We do try to give the benefit of the doubt and allow the space to work things out on your own. By the time something is said in correction, it’s not as if you haven’t had time to address it yourself.

A secondary note: spiritual leaders don’t enjoy treating people like children. While a good leader acknowledges the necessity of discipline, I have yet to meet a leader who enjoys correction. They know the situation will likely cause a rift at best, or a departure, at worst. Leaders are often afraid to correct when necessary because they can’t predict the outcome. It goes a long way if you receive correction with maturity and continue to bridge relationship rather than running somewhere else.

You are not the only person we lead

Most leaders don’t operate single-person ministries or churches. Even small organizations can be a challenge for a leader, especially when they don’t have additional staff to help. We are walking the fine line between ministry maintenance and self-care, often erring on the side of maintenance rather than personal need. Our families also need us, and many of us are also trying to maintain employment, keep our ministries going, and be there for the ones we love.

I say all that to say this: we are busy. We would love to have more hours to devote to ministry. Most ministers desire to do ministry work full-time. Even those who do don’t often have unlimited time and resources. That being said, we don’t have time to call you everyday. Unless there’s an emergency, we don’t have time to do daily check-ins with everyone in a ministry. We intend to be there the best we can, but we can’t be involved in your personal drama or constant mood swings. We aren’t here to be all about you and your personal issues, but to help you grow spiritually. That means the ultimate goal is not to need personal attention all the time.

Speak to us and about us with some respect

Good spiritual leadership goes beyond the boundaries of formality, into the realm of serving the role of a friend to those they cover. This, however, has certain limitations with it. Your spiritual leader is still an authority in your life, and is called to handle issues as necessary. Some people spend a lot of time with their leaders, while others do not. You should be able to trust your leader to be for your good. Know they are someone you can talk to, recognize their guidance, and seek their help when necessary.

Ministry regulations are necessary to keep things going. No, we aren’t your former leader, and we don’t do things like they did. We understand you probably have many thoughts about leadership, but you’re not in our position. No, we really don’t know what’s going on with someone over there, and it’s really not our concern. A leader’s position should be respected, not disregarded. Spiritual leadership shouldn’t be discussed behind their back. You should always speak to your leader with respect, acknowledging the weight of responsibility they have. You should also talk about your leader with respect, even when they aren’t around.

We don’t get much back for the work we do

It might sound like a sad reality, but even paid leaders aren’t compensated adequately for their ministerial efforts. It’s a challenge to get people to give. Considering the fact that most leaders double as counselors, consultants, private tutors, public speakers, social media figures (even on a small scale), business professionals, and more, ministers really don’t receive what they should for the amount of work they do. What ministers truly want is the assistance and cooperation of those they lead so they can see you grow. Special offerings, services, and celebrations are all essential for the ministry experience…but spiritual leadership can’t rely on those for the continuation of the work. If you want to let your leader know you appreciate them, show up, maintain a good attitude, and grow in the Spirit.

Spiritual leadership is not your enemy

Remember in all things: your spiritual leader isn’t your enemy. If you have a leader you know is for you, then stick with that. Know they have your back. Even when things might not go your way, remember your leader cares about you, and is here to help you grow spiritually.