Just Let Me Ride the Train in Peace

You know how you sometimes come upon articles you’re sure must be satire? Yeah. That just happened. The article is titled How to Talk to a Woman Who Is Wearing Headphones, by self-proclaimed relationship expert Dan Bacon.

Let me start by saying that I could write the content for that article with one word: Don’t. Women who wear headphones are doing so because they are listening to music or podcasts or what have you, and it is rude to interrupt (unless there’s fire or blood or something like that, of course). In fact, some women wear headphones specifically to signal to men that they don’t want to talk—because yes, constantly getting chatted up by men on your commute, or your run, can get old.

Look, the other day the mom of one of my daughter’s new friends at school, whom I haven’t met, walked by my home. The family lives nearby and I want to get the mom’s phone number so we can arrange playdates and such. But you know what? I did not go out and introduce myself because she was talking on the phone. It would have been rude to interrupt. The same basic idea applies to someone wearing headphones—they’re already engaged, they’re doing something, leave them alone.

But you probably don’t need to be told that that is not what the article says.

Check this out:

Of course, not all women are open to being approached because not all women are single and looking.

However, if a woman wearing headphones is single and hoping to meet a boyfriend (or even a new lover), she will usually be happy to take off her headphones to give you an opportunity to create a spark with her.

There’s a pretty big assumption at work here—that being single and interested in meeting a new boyfriend correlates strongly with being okay with being interrupted by a stranger while wearing headphones. This is absolutely not a safe assumption. There are plenty of women who are really interested in their music/podcasts and honestly don’t want to be taken away from it. There are plenty of women who have had bad experiences being chatted up by strange men and would prefer to meet a new boyfriend through acquaintances or common interests. And there are plenty more women who are tired and on their way home from work, or zoning out during a run, and wearing headphones in part to keep people from talking to them.

And have a look at the assumptions at play here:

Her taking off her headphones doesn’t always mean that she is super interested and wants you to ask for her number or anything serious like that. Sometimes, it’s simply a cause of her being open to what you’ve got to say and to then see where it goes.

Look, I’ve been the rude interrupting person before. I once asked a woman on a train where she’d gotten something—maybe a coat?—and the look on her face as she took off her headphones was something I’ll never forget. She wasn’t glaring; she was simply annoyed, and also confused—why was I talking to her when she had headphones on? She’d been in her zone! She took them out not because she was “open” to what I had to say but rather because that’s what you do when you’re wearing headphones and someone tries to get your attention. I felt terrible, I apologized, and I haven’t interrupted someone wearing headphones since.

But that’s not all that’s going on here. Bacon also makes a habit of moving the goalposts. After giving a lengthy example of how a man might go about chatting up a woman wearing headphones, he writes this:

It’s just two, normal human beings having a conversation that either leads to a phone number exchange or not.

Nothing wrong with that.

If anyone has a problem with that, you’re barking up the wrong tree. I will never back down from the fact that it’s perfectly normal for a man and a woman to talk to each other.

No one has a problem with two human beings having a conversation. It is indeed perfectly normal for a man and a woman to talk to each other! But you know what is not normal? A man coming up to a woman wearing headphones in a public place and interrupting her! Not only is that not normal, it’s downright rude. Just because it’s normal for a man and woman to talk to each other does not mean that men should interrupt women who are clearly otherwise engaged (or indeed, approach women on the street at all—but more not hat later).

Bacon advises his readers to interrupt beheadphoned women as follows:

Stand in front of her (with 1 to 1.5 meters between you).

Have a confident, easy-going smile and say, “Hey, how’s it going?” to start a conversation with her.

Most women are polite and friendly and will take off their headphones to talk to you at that point, so just start talking and have a conversation with her.

Notice that it is “polite and friendly” for women to take their headphones off and talk to a strange man trying to get their attention. So if a man tries to get a beheadphoned woman’s attention and she refuses to give him the time of day, she’s the one being rude.

However, if she hasn’t looked at you or hasn’t noticed you yet, simply get her attention with a wave of your hand.

Yes, really.

Wave your hand in her direct line of vision so she can see it and say, “Hey, how’s it going?” She most likely won’t hear you say those words is she’s listening to music, but it’s just a way of showing her that you’re trying to talk to her.

She will most likely take off her headphones to talk to you when you say, “Hey, how’s it going?”, but if she doesn’t, just smile, point to her headphones and confidently ask, “Can you take off your headphones for a minute?” as you pretend to be taking headphones off your head, so she fully understands what you mean.

Yes, really!

Then, go ahead and have a conversation with her.

Of course, if you notice that she doesn’t want to take off her headphones and doesn’t seem interested in talking to you at all, just respect that and leave the interaction without trying to talk to her any further.

Pray tell me, how is a man to notice that a woman doesn’t want to talk to him ‘t Bacon is advising him to wave and talk loudly and mime at them if they don’t take their headphones off after the initial attempt? Newsflash: That woman your think hasn’t heard you yet is ignoring you because she’s wearing headphones and doesn’t want to talk to anyone. And she’s probably feeling really awkward, and you should definitely stop.

Now let’s talk about Bacon’s example. He has his male character say this:

Hey – I know it’s not normal for people to talk to someone with headphones in, but I was walking along and saw you and thought – wow, she’s hot, I have to come over and say hi. I’m Dan, what’s your name?

And also this:

Cool…nice to meet you Jessica. I don’t normally talk to girls with headphones on, but your big green headphones were just calling out to me.

First, most women don’t want strange men walking up to them in public places and telling them they’re hot. Not okay. Second, is it just me or is Bacon encouraging men to lie to the women they’re trying to ask out? After all, he’s advising men to make a practice of interrupting women with headphones on, so what’s with this “I don’t normally talk to girls with headphones on” bit?

And would you like to know one of the “common mistakes” Bacon says men make when interrupting women wearing headphones? Giving up too easily.

Some women wear headphones because they don’t want guys or anyone else to speak to them, so if you try to talk to a woman and she clearly shows that she’s not interested in talking to you, just respect that and walk away.

However, sometimes a woman will be interested in talking to a guy, but she won’t immediately pull out her headphones and show interest. Why?

Some women like to test to see how confident a guy is by ignoring his attempts to converse with her and then seeing what he does next.

How the hell are women to let men know they’re actually not interested? Bacon is advising his readers to consider that a beheadphoned woman who ignores them may actually want them to try harder, rather than just wanting to be left alone.

At core, I’m baffled by Bacon’s belief—common with “pick-up artist” types—that striking up random conversation on the street is the way to meet a new girlfriend (or lover). In my experience, people tend to meet their partners through friends or through shared activities, not randomly on the street. Why don’t pick-up artists advise men to follow their hobbies, invest in their friends, and focus on meeting new people with shared interests rather than random hot chicks on the sidewalk?

One last thing. I showed this article to a friend who regularly rides the train to work. Her response? “I wear headphones all the time, usually with nothing playing on them, specifically as a sign DONT TALK TO ME.” So yeah. Let us ride the train in peace.