I Can No Longer Deny the Truth: Scientology is the One True Faith

I Can No Longer Deny the Truth: Scientology is the One True Faith April 1, 2012

Dear friends:

I write you with a sense of exhilaration and yet fear for how you will greet this message. However, the reality that burns in my engrams can no longer be denied. After intense discussion with one of my auditors I have decided I need to come clean with all of you:

I am now a thoroughly convinced Scientologist. And so, I will be renaming this blog as of today, donating all my personal property to the Church of Scientology, and heading into the high desert of Nevada for an intense 90 day training session. After careful consideration, it has become clear to me that a human is an immortal, extraterrestrial, spiritual being, called a thetan, who is trapped on Earth in a physical body. The Prophet L. Ron Hubbard described these “thetans” as having had innumerable past lives and I believe this. Descriptions of these sacred truths, chronicled in the Great Man’s “fictional works” (which I now regard as sacred scripture) are seen as true events by we Scientologists and so that’s what I believe too.

We Scientologists believe that an individual should discover for himself that Scientology works by personally applying its principles and observing or experiencing desirable results. I have a great many desirable results I want to see fulfilled in my life and Scientology promises results so I believe it. Scientology assures me that its practices provide methods by which a person can achieve greater spiritual awareness. And I’m aware that they assure me of this, so it’s already working! Two primary methods of increasing spiritual awareness are referred to in Scientology as “Auditing” and “Training” and my auditor tells me I need to be trained. So you can see the internal consistency of Scientology right there. Within Scientology, progression from level to level is often called The Bridge to Total Freedom. Scientologists progress from “Preclear”, to “Clear”, and ultimately “Operating Thetan”. My auditor tells me I could be Operating Thetan material. I hope so!

Scientologists are taught that a series of “events”, or “incidents”, occurred before life on earth, which is undeniably true and clearly attested by both science and all the major religions: a series of events *did* happen. Or, if that is too challenging and threatening to your simple and unenlightened worldview, you can call these events “incidents”. Either way, events happened and they did so before life on earth. How did L. Ron Hubbard gain this uncanny knowledge?

I think this leads directly to the next point: namely, Scientologists also believe that humans have hidden abilities which can be unlocked. I know this is true because I once saw Patrick Coffin make a playing card disappear. No scientist I have ever talked to has an explanation for how he did it. And speaking as a BA in English and a professional writer, I can tell you that I have no explanation either. That is sufficient proof for me of the truth of Scientology.

So now I am a Scientologist and I invite you to join me on my quest for clarity and I say farewell and exalted felicitations of the day.

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  • JonathanR.

    Happy April 1 to you too. 🙂

  • And may the Flying Spaghetti Monster from the Rosicrucian Astral Plane bless you, too.

  • Kml

    In light of the recent outrageous offenses against Scientology in the name of anti-religious bigotry, I stand with you. We are all Scientologists now.

  • Thank heavens it’s only an April Fools prank! (it is, isn’t it?)

    If you actually do rename your blog tomorrow, we’re in trouble…

  • Alfredo Escalona

    Well it’s about dang time!
    Do you have ANY idea how much money we’ve spent trying to get through that ridiculous red-enameled tin-foil poor-excuse-for-a-yarmulke you wear?

    OK, time for your audit. For your first exercise, we command you to use this
    blog to recruit ALL your minions to our cause. Your book royalties too, of course.
    You do that and we’ll CLEAR you right away. All Hail Hubbard!

  • Rosemarie


    So wait, you’re not Zoroastrian? I’m so confused.

  • Glen H

    Can I have the first autographed copy of your new book By What Authority: A Catholic Discovers Scientologist Tradition?

    • Paladin

      LOL. That’s great.

      • Margaret

        Next question: can I have your now-useless library of Catholic materials?

        • nate

          Useless? Those are now collectors items!

  • I will write more later, after I’ve had my sex-change operation. I at last will free the man who has been always within me.

  • Roberto

    And I assume you will now vote for Obama, right?

  • Ben

    How unreasonable.

  • Meggan

    So are you going to give yourself a new nickname like the Black Sheep Dog? 😉

  • Heather Price

    If you’d been attending the Tridentine Mass and avoiding Harry Potter, this NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED!!!

  • Linebyline

    You know, Mr. Shea, you should really do a write-up on the tenets of your newfound faith for the benefits of us Catholics who aren’t familiar with Scientology. I can’t take seriously what I know of its doctrines, but then again, as a Catholic, I can sympathize with others whose religion may not be accurately reflected in the media.

    See, as you know, there’s the Church, and then there’s what people think the Church is. The latter, in the words of Fulton Sheen, is “a caricature of a cartoon drawn by a kid who is stupid.” (Or maybe that was someone else. John Paul II? Thomas Aquinas? GLaDOS?) Is it the same way with Scientology? And if so, what’s the story we’re not getting?

    • Rosemarie


      You do realize this is an April Fools prank, right?

      • Linebyline

        Huh? I thought I already responded to this comment. Maybe the spam filter ate it. Or maybe I wrote it and forgot to submit it. Anyway… *ahem*

        Yeah, I picked up on the joke, hence my attributing a line from Fawful to Fulton Sheen and mentioning GLaDOS in the same breath as John Paul II and Thomas Aquinas. (I’d provide links for those who don’t know who Fawful and GLaDOS are, but I’m afraid the spam filter would eat them. Just punch both names into Wikipedia and all will be revealed.)

        • Linebyline

          Sorry, each name, not both names. One at a time.

          • Rosemarie

            True, the spam filter can be a pain even if you try to post just one hyperlink.

  • Brent

    I thought you said lying was ALWAYS intrinsically wrong?

    • Except on Opposite Day.

    • Mark Shea

      No. Humor-impairment is always intrinsically wrong.

      • Too Serious Tom

        Humor impairment is always intrinsically wrong? Some of us don’t find anything about scientology funny. Too bad you think we’re intrinsically flawed.

        • Mark Shea

          Yes. Definitely humor-impaired.

  • Very interesting!

    I have not heard of Hubbard, but I hope you’ll also be talking more in the future about Max Weber, Emile Durkheim, and the other major writers of this discipline.

    Oh, wait…”Scientologist”?!? Dyslexia strikes again…I thought you meant Sociologist. Oh well. Never mind.

    • Wait a minute. Don’t Scientologists study Scientists? So they should be able to tell us all about Max Weber and Emile Durkheim, as well as Albert Einstein, Francis Crick, Watson and Holmes.

  • Oh, Scientologist, Catholic, it’s all the same cosmic light shining through different windows, right? I mean, live and let live, dump the dogma, chill out, daddy-oh! Jah bless you, my brother– peace out.

  • Belle

    I remember when you did this last year with the Star Wars force. Hilarious.

  • Dear Dark Lord:

    We regret to inform you that given your decision to join the Church of Scientology, your status as “High Mighty Dark Lord of the Catholic Blogosphere” is revoked, effective immediately. While it is true that anyone embracing the religion of Xenu is deserving of Dark Lord status, you can no longer be the *Catholic* Dark Lord, for reasons which should appear to be obvious (though use of the small-c Catholic designation is still fine).

    Pending a vote of the Coalition of Unclear Underlings the title of Dark Lord of the Catholic Blogosphere is temporarily assigned to Sister Patricia Owens O’Flannary, OP, associate of Larry D at Acts of the Apostasy. Sister Patricia is an open-minded and enlightened woman who both embraces the masculine title of “Dark Lord” and who thinks that one can be a good Catholic and a good Scientologist at the same time; in fact, recent information suggests that Sister Patricia is already a Level III Operating Thetan, unless she’s been cleared to Level IV in recent months.

    Upon Sister Patricia’s arrival at your Top Secret Lair ‘0 Evil, you will therefore turn over to her any Catholic toadies, lackeys, lickspittle bootpolishers, or enhanced confinees in the chambers of pain and torture. You are free to keep any non-Catholic followers to build your new Dark Lord of Small Weird Religions empire, naturally.

    Wishing you every success in your newest pursuit of sinister evil, I remain,

    Yours, etc.

  • Alfredo Escalona


    He’s actually done it!
    He’s….(gulp!) …. CHANGED the blog name!
    Go look at the top of the page!

    It is the End of All Things…….(whimper)…….

  • You’re all Suppressive Personalities! Let Mark embrace his Auditing and purge himself of the Thetans! I await the day when Mark and I can jump on a couch together after we’ve broken through the Wall of Fire and have achieved OT III.

    • Alfredo Escalona

      Errmmm…. i don’t think we wanna see Mark purge….

  • trespinos

    And to think that L’Osservatore Romano just published a rather laudatory article about a Scientologist’s bucket list. This cannot bode well for Mark’s candidacy for the first lay Cardinalship since Cardinal Antonelli. Mayhaps when the Holy Father hears about this, he will repeat Pio Nono’s reported last message to Antonelli: “Tell him to make a good confession.” 🙂

  • haha

    I get the humor of this post and all, but I still think it’s sad that there are folks who truly believe in this stuff. They invest a lot, and throw themselves into it heart and soul and come out (if they even do ever emerge/escape) shattered and battered.
    Also, there is a WHOLE lot of shame to sort through because, how could I ever have been so stupid? Cons and scams and brainwashing programs and all the rest–it’s not just idiots who get caught up in it, you know. Be kind.

    • I’ve seen it first hand, they get battered into submission (verbally).

  • Cantorboy

    Does this mean the cold, thin, watery gruel will get better or worse?

  • Loretta

    You had me going for a split second.

  • Muslim Savage

    in my opi, scientology is the romanized plus shintonized plus paganized hinduism

    it is so stupid that i truly fell down the couch rofling.

    Or may be my theatan was strirred by the incidents.

  • ClearEyeView

    Hehe…….this is so funny…

    Tomorrow this guy is going to plant fake evidence onto anyone who criticizes scientology…………….oh fish, there is a knock on my door…i’m doomed!