If America Were a Person, Her Loved Ones Would Stage an Intervention

As drugged up as Lindsay Lohan, paranoid and spying on everybody, getting into fights with strangers, climbing into bed with people who tried to kill her just a few years ago, full of messianic certitude about her mission to save the world while simultaneously shouting that nobody can tell her what to do, constantly swinging between declaring herself the Greatest and talking as though her death from shadowy enemies is imminent, armed to the teeth, but subsisting on junk food, swaggering on minute and jumping at her own shadow the next, a sex addict and an abortion zealot, obsessed with control while trying throw off all moral limits, addicted to pleasure and starving for happiness, eager to kill the weak and commit suicide, yet hoping to live forever by cannibalizing her children.

Seriously, if this was a person we’d lock her up.