We Are a Paris Hilton People in an Apocalyptic World

We Are a Paris Hilton People in an Apocalyptic World August 28, 2013

Yesterday, on FB, I posed the question of whether, due to the extremity of the current crisis, the United States ought to launch a devastating military strike against Miley Cyrus.  Turns out I’m not far off the mark when it comes to the weighty issues that preoccupy the Wisdom of the Voters in our great Republic:

Take it away, Jeff Goldblum!

Meanwhile, in Syria, I’ve lost track. Is the butcher Assad our noble ally in the Global War on Terror or are the murderous Al-Quaida fiends who oppose him our partners in peace and the glorious democratic future of the Middle East? I can’t wait to send our hyperstressed volunteer troops on yet another tour of duty to fight, suffer, and die for the latest something or other our Ruling Class class has decided to meander into doing without an exit plan.

Just in case somebody is likely to pay more attention than they did last time to the actual people on the ground suffering and dying in the name of Christ when we come to save them here are a couple of quotes from the actual, you know, Christians in the area who turn out not to be super-grateful at the prospect of the gift of another ill-conceived war delivered to them by these United States. In fact, they unanimously oppose it. Perhaps they’ve noticed that between supporting and then making war on Saddam, supporting and then making war on bin Laden, making war on and now supporting Al-Quaida in Syria (so that we can fight them in Afghanistan?), and our firm commitment to our Dear Saudi friends (whose citizens attacked us on 9/11), the one pole star of our mideast foreign policy has been the consistent destruction of the Church there. Incredibly, some of the warmongers in my comboxes in years gone by have actually tried to suggest that the desire of Chaldeans not to be murdered and driven from their homes by radicals our braindead policies encouraged was “selfish” and that they were getting what they deserved for not backing our noble war of liberation.


“We must listen to the Pope’s appeal for peace in Syria. If western countries want to create true democracy then they must build it on reconciliation, through dialogue between Christians and Muslims, not with weapons. This attacked being planned by the United States is a criminal act, which will only reap more victims, in addition to the tens of thousands of these two years of war. This will destroy the Arab world’s trust in the West.” – Gregory III Laham, Patriarch of Antioch of the East, of Alexandria and Jerusalem of the Melkites

There’s something touching and quixotic in that line about “the Arab world’s trust in the West”, but charity believeth all things. He is right that if Our Dear Leader attacks it will be both criminal and massively stupid and counter-productive. But when you think about it with that beloved “prudential judgment” we use for blowing off the considered guidance of the Church you have to admit that “Melkite” is, like, one of those funny eastern groups that aren’t even Catholic, are they? And if they are, they wear different clothes than the Pope and besides there’s no encyclical *commanding* us to not go to war, so that means it’s okay to do it if we want to. Of course, it *is* Obama doing it, so we might want to reconsider supporting it since it’s always important to do the opposite of Obama on principle. But on the other hand, even a stopped clock is right twice a day and we are committed to salvation through the military application of democratic capitalism to all them Muslims we have to fight. So maybe just this once we will side with Obama, because Charles Krauthammer and Bill “The Most Massively Wrong Person in American History” Kristol never saw a chance to bomb Muslims they didn’t jump at and since when have they ever been wrong?

Anyway, we haven’t really thought about it too much, because MILEY CYRUS!


“If there were a military intervention, I think this would lead to a world war,” said Mgr. Antoine Audo, Chaldean Bishop of Aleppo and President of Caritas Syria in an interview with Vatican Radio.

World War?  Hmmm… That could interfere with my cable access.  I might miss what Miley Cyrus does next.  That would be serious.  But don’t worry, the Principled Leaders of our Ruling Class will do the right thing and impeach Barack Obama if he launches an illegal war:

Oh. Wait. That’s only if a Republican does it. Never mind. Our Dear Leader is just and wise.

Now some of you may be worried.  Will this war affect the stock portfolios of the people ordering it?  Will their children have to fight in it?  Weighty questions indeed.  Whose heart would not break at the thought of Sasha or Malia in uniform, or Lindsey Graham’s doughy, feminine face wet with tears because his net worth dropped.  Don’t worry. We’re not talking about the precious children of our Ruling Class suffering, nor about their even more precious wealth and power being afffected. Virtually none of our Leaders have sons and daughters serving, much less going into harm’s way. So our Ruling Class can feel good about themselves *and* secure since it’s somebody else’s kid enlisted into the latest “Build the Great  Society at Gunpoint on Barren Muslim Soil” project!

The important thing is that when our battle-scarred volunteer troops return to broken lives, high suicide rates, and families destroyed by stress or living on food stamps, our troops will receive the thanks of a grateful nation that boots them and their service dogs from our restaurants, presumably so we can turn up the sound on MTV and have an unimpeded view of MILEY CYRUS without the damn dog barking.

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